“I’m Mark by the way,” you introduce yourself after a couple minutes of introductory conversation.
“Clara, nice to meet you,” she responds amiably.
“So where did you say you were from again?”
“You already asked me that…” Clara responds, slightly annoyed.
“Oh yeah, San Francisco right?”
“Oh, that’s cool. This place is pretty crazy right? A lot of people here,” you observe, glancing around the crowded bar.
“Yeah, I guess so…”
“Well, it was nice meeting you…” Clara says dismissively.
“Yeah, you too…” you say dejectedly.
Why is it so difficult to have an interesting conversation?
It seems to go decently for the first couple of minutes, then it feels like a sinking ship, like I’m scrambling to find something to grasp on to…
Have you ever felt this way? If so, you are not alone. For most guys, their minds run rampant with ideas of sweet things to say to a girl before approaching her. It might go well at the start, but then it quickly goes south. He runs out of things to say, and the conversation becomes stale.
Although there are some guys gifted with natural verbal acuity, most guys don’t know how to keep a conversation going with a girl. They might be able to introduce themselves and ask a few “getting to know you” questions, only to hear the words “well, it was nice to meet you” as she quickly gathers her belongings and heads for the nearest exit.
For most guys, if they knew how to talk to girls with some charisma and intrigue, they would have a much more robust dating life. But, simply put, most guys don’t know what to talk about with a girl, which severely limits their options.
So if you want to know what to say to a girl you like and how to talk to women in general, keep reading.
Here is a simple process that can help you understand how to talk to girls:
- Be emotionally relevant
- Talk about her
- Talk about you and her together
- Relax and enjoy the conversation!
Most guys walk up to a girl in a social venue and will immediately talk in a way that is not engaging for her at all. A man who is good with women can be given any topic and still make it an interesting and fun conversation. The key to become engaging with women, and people in general, is to make the conversation emotionally relevant for the person you’re talking to.
How to Make the Conversation Emotionally Relevant
In order to make a conversation relevant to her, you have to talk about yourself, her, and the both of you together.
Most guys make the mistake of framing the conversation objectively: that is, they’ll talk about the weather, politics, the club, the DJ, etc. They forget to talk about the two most important subjects, himself and her!
So how do you go about doing this?
- Show, don’t tell. Share about your experiences in life, but do so with a sense of humor. Feel free to be irreverent.
For example, I enjoy humor about race, and since I’m Asian, I typically tell her that I live up to most stereotypes: I majored in math, I played Starcraft growing up, I totaled my car a few years ago, my favorite food is dog, and so on.
In this example, I’m sharing actual experiences from my life, i.e. what I studied in college and my hobbies, but while maintaining a sense of humor. Thus, she can get to know you and your personality.
Also, don’t be afraid to be politically incorrect. It’s best to find out early on if she will get along with you if you share the most abrasive parts of your personality and most controversial plot points of your life first. A girl might not always like you, but she will always respect you for your honesty and shamelessness.
Also, by being so open, there will be less pressure on her to maintain the facade of properness and politeness that tends to drive her to boredom.
- Talk about her. This is the key to making any conversation with a girl, or whomever you are talking to, more interesting. Instead of talking about how good the DJ is or how expensive the drinks are at the bar, say things in a way that are relevant to her. You can still talk about these subjects, but frame them differently: “This DJ is so ratchet, almost as ratchet as you.” “These drinks are so expensive. Finally a bar that can live up to your bougie standards.” You can tell that these statements are a lot more interesting than just making generic comments about tangential topics.
You can also make cold reads instead of launching into an FBI interrogation. A cold read is an assumptive statement. For example: “Judging by your long cocktail dress, you must be from Manhattan.” Or you can ask a presumptuous question: “So how many hipsters did you have to kill for that flannel shirt?”
Overall, instead of asking open-ended, generic interview questions like “where are you from,” “what do you do,” etc. take more risks and make more assumptions. Worst case, if you’re wrong, then you will add some tension into the interaction, which will make it more interesting. Ultimately, it is always better to have a confrontational yet engaging conversation than a boring and polite one.
- Talk about you and the girl together. This is an important concept that most guys miss and will allow you to quickly connect with the person you’re talking to. Typically, most statements that include both you and her come in two forms: role plays and future projections.
A role play is a hypothetical scenario that both you and her take part in. For example, if she is talking about how she likes to work out, you can say, “cool, from now on, you are my personal trainer. Can you show me the proper form for a deadlift? How many calories should I be eating a day? Help me out before I get fat!”Now the conversation becomes more playful, and she will be more engaged. Moreover, it will set a frame that includes both you and her together.
A future projection is a hypothetical scenario where you talk about things that you will do with her in the future. The scenario can either be serious or ridiculous, but both work to facilitate cohesiveness between you and her.
For example, for a serious future projection, you might be talking about the best cafes in your hometown, and you suggest that you should take her to Gogo’s Cafe in Torrance when she’s free next week. You can further elaborate by talking about your favorite milk tea that you usually order, the friendliness of the owner, and the quaint ambiance of the place.
The more detailed the description, the more she can picture you and her together.
However, the future projection doesn’t always have to be completely serious. Oftentimes, these are better because they make the conversation more fun, playful, and ridiculous.
For example, you can tell her that at the end of the night, you plan on taking her to the nearest wedding chapel to elope, then flying to Paris to spend your honeymoon on the gardens of Champs Elyssee. Once again, the more elaborate the hypothetical, the better.
A future projection can also be combined with a role play. Referring back to the personal trainer role play, you can say, “so we’re going to hit the gym early tomorrow morning right? 5:30 am? Make sure you remember to bring the green shake…” Overall, both role plays and future projections create a deeper connection between you and her in a way that is playful and entertaining.
The Importance of Vibe
A lot of guys will try to impress a girl with his words, when, in actuality, she is more attracted to a guy who is loose and has a playful and relaxed vibe.
Remember, show, don’t tell.
For example, imagine you’re walking down a popular tourist street, say Hollywood Boulevard. As you step across the multitude of celebrity stars, people dressed in costumes and people with brochures approach you:
“Sir, would you like to see a show tonight?”
“Sir, would you like a picture with us?”
“Sir, come check out some souvenirs!”
Typically, in each of these approaches, you sense that the person is trying to sell you something. You can simply hear it in their tonality that they have an intent beyond a mere pleasant conversation.
Likewise, a girl can hear sexual intent in your voice. She can tell whether you are just trying to sleep with her. She can hear in your voice whether you are trying to impress her or get a reaction out of her.
Consequently, this is unattractive because she feels as if she is simply being used. She feels like the guy doesn’t genuinely care about enjoying the conversation, but, rather, he has an ulterior motive to pick her up.
This is why girls say, “just be yourself” when they are giving dating advice to guys. The primary reason is because most guys are terrible at being present and enjoying the conversation for its own sake, and, instead, they come across as just trying to impress her in order to sleep with her.
However, when you are first talking to someone you’ve just met, building rapport will often yield negative results. This is because you will most likely “try for rapport”: that is, you will be trying to get some sort of reaction out of the person you are conversing with, and it will come across in your vibe. Remember that if you’re not enjoying the conversation, then she won’t either.
Remember to Enjoy the Conversation!
Therefore, lastly and most importantly, relax and actually enjoy the conversation! Don’t try too hard to impress her or to be too witty when you’re talking to a girl. It’s better to be obvious than too clever. When you try to be clever or when you try to impress her, you will sound like you’re handing out brochures on the street.
There you have it. So the next time you go to the bar and see your dream girl, remember to scrap the interview mode to begin the conversation, and, instead, make yourself emotionally relatable and flaunt your playful personality. Find a way to stand out, and you’re ahead of the game.
However, in order to attract a woman, getting her engaged and interested in a conversation is only the first step. You also must be able to turn her on. If you want to learn how to make a girl horny, check out the next article.