“He’s so hot,” Michelle comments to her blonde female companion.
“I know. It’s like he doesn’t even know it,” her BFF, Sydney, replies.
Him? Really?! He just looks like some plain douchebag with a leather jacket and a painfully average hairstyle…
“I wish he would just ask me out…” Michelle swoons.
Michelle and Sydney seem to lose touch with reality briefly as they wander through their fantasies with the douchebag in the leather jacket. He quickly, but smoothly, glances over and catches a glimpse of the girls.
“Oh, he’s looking!” Sydney exclaims. Both girls smile coyly then look away. As he strides over, the girls talk nervously to each other pretending to engage in an earnest conversation of substance.
“Hello,” the stranger in the leather jacket greets the two girls.
“Hi…” both girls stammer in unison.
“Nice day today, isn’t it?” he says pleasantly.
“Sure is,” Michelle says.
“Well, you ladies have a good day,” the stranger says. “Stay out of trouble, ok?”
“Ok we will,” Sydney says with a giggle. Then the stranger strides away into the distance.
“Wow, he’s so dreamy!” Michelle says excitedly.
“I know!” says Sydney. “Did you see the way he walks? He’s so hot!”
Seriously?! He literally just walked up to them, said nothing meaningful, then walked away, and now he has two girls melting in the palm of his hands…how can a guy possibly know what girls like in boys?
Have you ever seen a similar situation or ever had this thought run through your head? There are some guys who seem to effortlessly walk up to the hottest girls and attract them without even trying. They seem to look plain, act normal, and do nothing special…
So what do girls like in boys?
If you ask a girl, they will most likely give you one of three responses:
- Authenticity (i.e. “just be yourself”)
- Sense of humor
But for most guys, these terms are vague and this is insufficient advice. So what do girls mean when they say these things? I will attempt to demystify each term for you.
One of the most prevalent answers to the question “what do girls like in guys” is “confidence.”
What does that mean?!
A girl can tell a lot about a guy through his subcommunication. A “confident” guy will typically exhibit two primary behaviors that signal his confidence: 1) eye contact and 2) vocal projection.
A guy with unrelenting yet relaxed eye contact shows that he is unfazed by social pressure and is unintimidated in the presence of an attractive girl. A confident guy will engage people in a conversation through his eye contact. When he looks at you, it’s as if there is nothing else happening around in the environment. The world could be crumbling to ruins, but his gaze will still be fixed upon you.
Confident people talk loudly. They aren’t afraid to be heard by people in the surrounding environment, and they intend for their words to be heard. If you don’t project your voice, then it seems as if you don’t care if people hear you or not. However, confident people want their message to be heard, so they speak loudly enough for everyone to hear.
Another common answer that girls will give is for the guy to “just be himself.” Again, for most guys, this advice is confusing.
I think I am myself…Right? If I’m not myself, who am I???
When a girl tells you to just be yourself, she is basically saying that you should: 1) hold your frame and 2) not qualify yourself.
Holding your frame
First of all, what do I mean by “frame?”
During a conversation, usually one person is driving the conversation and the other is reacting to what the other person is saying. The person who is in control of the conversational topic and is more willing to walk away from the interaction is generally the one who is “holding the frame.” In other words, the conversation is dictated on that person’s rules and values, and the other person is compromising his or her own values in order to appease or impress the driver of the conversation.
For example, let’s say Sally and Bob are discussing the cafe they are sitting in.
Bob: “This is a nice cafe, isn’t it?”
Sally: “I guess… except that the furniture is a bit old and the coffee could be more flavorful.”
Bob: “Oh, yeah, I guess it’s not that good…”
Did you notice how easily Bob changed his opinion? This shows that Bob is trying harder to not rock any boats and cares more about making Sally feel comfortable with her opinion than asserting his own.
A girl will commonly test a guy’s frame when she’s meeting him for the first time after he’s approached her. For example:
Bob: “You have such gorgeous hair!”
Sally: “Is that what you say to every girl you meet at the club?”
Here, Sally is testing to see whether Bob will be overly reactive to this question. If he makes a big deal out of his answer and shows that he is embarrassed or ashamed for making the comment, then this is being reactive. Consequently, most girls will immediately expose how confident a guy actually is by testing him in this manner. If he’s insecure, he will become overly apologetic:
Bob: “No, of course not! I was just trying to compliment you! I didn’t mean it like that!”
This is unattractive.
Instead, a better response is an unreactive one. Actual ways you can exhibit being unreactive are by 1) ignoring her test or brushing it off, 2) agreeing and exaggerating what she said, or 3) misinterpreting it.
If you choose to ignore it or brush it off, just make it not a big deal. You can simply reply calmly with “yes” or “no” without further explanation. When you put less effort into the response, it amplifies your value because it shows that you’re not trying too hard to impress her.
Another approach you can use is to use your wit to poke fun at her test by exaggerating the premise of it. For example, you could say, “Oh yeah, I’ve pretty much used that line on every girl in this club. They call me the Hair Compliment Man.” The premise of the test now looks so absurd that you’ve shown that you’re not bothered by it.
Finally, you can also misinterpret her test to be a compliment to yourself. Let’s say Sally is wearing a green dress. Then, you can say, “if by every girl, you mean the ones wearing green dresses, then yes.” You’re simply taking her frame, and poking fun at it, thus inviting your frame to be the prevailing one.
Don’t qualify yourself
The second factor you should be aware of is to not qualify yourself.
What does it mean to qualify yourself?
Basically, it means to try to impress the girl or to justify your behavior in some way.
Qualification is typically a sign that you’re either self-conscious or you want something out of the interaction (i.e. outcome dependence).
In Reality Transurfing Vadim Zeland says that when you place too much importance on something, then it creates excess potential. This excess potential prevents you from attaining what you want. Thus, when you place too much importance on getting a number or trying to get laid, then the emphasis on importance will disallow you from attaining that outcome.
So how do you not qualify yourself?
Don’t try too hard to impress her. Become outcome independent by talking to groups of guys and girls because this will take the emphasis off of just trying to get laid.
Also, if you don’t need to say anything at a certain time, then don’t say it. A lot of times, when people get nervous, they tend to fill the silence with commentary about their actions. This is qualification.
Sense of humor
This one is a bit of a misnomer. Yes, girls want a guy who can make them laugh. Therefore, do you have to be a comedian to be successful with women? No, absolutely not.
First of all, what sorts of things make us laugh?
- Tension. A lot of times, we laugh when a situation is tense or if the person telling a story or joke is able to maintain tension throughout. Good comedians and storytellers are often able to maintain tension throughout telling a joke or story by maintaining an even and composed demeanor. This builds tension until the audience finally releases the tension with laughter.
- A solid reality. When someone is immersed in the joke or story and is really into it and doesn’t really care how people will react to it, his or her audience will react more strongly to it.
- Spontaneity. The more spontaneous a situation is or if a comedian tells a joke seemingly off-the-cuff, people are more likely to react. Thus, if you’re more present, then people will react to you more.
How do these traits translate when you’re talking to women:
- Sexual tension. When a girl is attracted to a guy, this will create some sexual tension (i.e. spark or chemistry) between the two. The longer the guy is able to drag it out by teasing her, the more reactive she will be around him. Typically, her reaction will be laughter.
For example, let’s say Julie and Andrew are coworkers at the office, and Julie finds Andrew very attractive.
Andrew: Working hard or hardly working?
Julie: (while giggling) Hardly working…
Andrew: (sarcastically) Well then, you should probably stop talking to me so much and get back to work!
Julie: (laughing while teasingly slapping Andrew on the shoulder) Haha, stop it!
This sort of reaction, where she laughs when she is teased by him, is a sign of arousal stemming from sexual tension.
- Solid frame. The more solid someone’s frame is, the more likely people will react to that person. In a conversation, this typically occurs when a guy delivers a witty comeback. Let’s say Susie and John are meeting at the bar for the first time:
John: Hey, let’s go dance for a bit.
Susie: I can’t leave this area, my friends are here.
John: (sarcastically) You have friends??
When he delivers a comeback and demonstrates that he can hold his own, this shows that he is not bothered by adversity and can hold a strong frame.
- Being present. When you’re less in your head than she is, she will become self-conscious and, thus, is more likely to laugh.
Although there are some complexities in this article, you can see that a girl typically likes a guy who can stand up for himself and hold his own in conversation. She might say that she wants a guy with “confidence,” “authenticity,” and “sense of humor,” but this ultimately reduces down to a man who can keep up with her socially without trying too hard and while having fun in the process. A guy who is calm, composed, quick-witted, unashamed, and charismatic will naturally attract a vast majority of girls.
So the next time you’re at the bar talking to a girl who you’re attracted to, remember to just be confident and be yourself.
For those who have never had a girlfriend, these principles can help you find and attract a girl who you have chemistry with.