Quite often, I’ll encounter guys or close friends of mine who I can tell are unhappy. It’s clear that they feel like they are missing something. Then they tell me, “I need a girlfriend so badly.”
It’s not even because they aren’t cool, funny, or intelligent; in fact, usually the opposite is the case.
Some of my most financially successful and talented friends that would be the envy of most guys have admitted to me that they’ve never had a girlfriend before.
All they long for is someone to go out to dinner with, someone to take out on Valentine’s Day, someone to call when they are away, someone to cuddle with at night…
If you feel this way, then you are not alone.
A lot of times, guys are intimidated by the mere prospect of talking to a girl they don’t know. If you feel the same way, you should first learn how to approach a girl you don’t know before reading this article.
I used to feel the same way sometimes when I was growing up. I was quite shy, so it was difficult for meet people in general, let alone girls.
It’s natural for us, as guys, to long for a companion to connect with emotionally and physically. And if we are deprived of that need over an extended period of time, we start to get lonely.
I had friends, got good grades, played sports, and was talented in many facets of life, yet girls just didn’t seem to like me. I thought it must be the way I looked.
However, once one of my friends told me that you can learn to become better with women if you talk to enough of them. Before that, I never realized that attraction was a skill that can be learned. Then I decided to dedicate the next 5 years of my life to learning how to become good with women.
I went out consistently in the hopes of finding a romantic connection with an amazing girl. Although I could have a pleasant conversation and a decent time with a fair number of girls who went out, I quickly found that finding someone you connect with on a deeper level can be difficult.
Over time, I became jaded and disillusioned with the idea of trying to find an intimate relationship partner, especially in a bar or nightclub.
Then once I stopped trying, I suddenly started attracting girls who I was compatible with.
Why did this happen?
Because once I stopped trying so hard, I allowed myself to be more expressive, more honest, and stopped trying to win every girl’s approval.
Of course there were some girls that didn’t like me, but of the girls that did, we would get along incredibly well.
So don’t try to get every girl to like you. Basically, if you are fully honest and completely expressive, you will alienate girls who you don’t get along with.
If you’re trying to find someone that you connect with on a deeper level, keep these points in mind:
- Tell her about your insecurities with an irreverent sense of humor.
People respect honesty, yet rarely is anyone honest when they first meet someone. Typically, when two people are meeting for the first time, both parties tend to be stifled as they feel each other out. If, however, one is not afraid to talk about his own insecurities freely, then that stiff vibe tends to fade away. Usually people try to maintain some sort of image when they talk to people, so they withhold certain details from stories in order to make themselves look better.
Instead, be the guy who stands out and is unafraid to talk about, let alone joke about, his insecurities. Ironically, if you’re the one talking about and joking about your insecurities, then you will come across as more confident.
- Don’t be afraid to be abrasive with your humor. Be politically incorrect and don’t censor yourself. Sometimes you are afraid of offending someone because you think that they will find your humor too vulgar or unsettling.
Nevertheless, tell jokes and stories that you find truly amusing regardless of how racy or risque it might be.
For example, I find jokes about race and ethinicity to be funny. Thus, oftentimes I’ll poke fun at myself for being a bad driver but making up for it with my math skills. If the girl doesn’t understand or appreciate your humor from the get-go, then she probably won’t appreciate it later on either. Might as well find out right away.
- Tell her about your insecurities with an irreverent sense of humor.
- Ask her questions that you actually care about. Think about what your values are and what you are looking for in life. Then think about how a girl fits into your ideal life. Why do you want a girlfriend in the first place?
For example, one of my values is finding a girl who I can have adventures with. I’ll ask her, “do you like to travel?” From the way she answers the question, I can tell whether she’s the kind of person to want to explore different places and cultures, or if she would rather stay at home with a familiar life. There isn’t anything wrong with either answer, but I tend to get along with a girl who wants to see different places and experience various cultures. Even if she’s never been out of the country, I appreciate a girl who has the desire to travel.
You can even take this principle to explore sexual compatibility as well. If you want a girl who is more sexually adventurous, you can ask her, “have you ever had a threesome before?” From the way she answers, you can quickly ascertain how adventurous or conservative she is sexually. If you’re looking for a one night stand, this is also a way to frame the interaction more sexually.
- Be willing to walk away. You need to set standards for what you want in a girl. Once you truly understand who you are and what your values are, knowing what type of girl you want should naturally follow.
More importantly, you need to be willing to walk away if she doesn’t meet those standards. It’s ok to keep her as a friend, but don’t get trapped in the mindset of settling. Too many people settle with someone that they’re not compatible with just because it’s convenient and they’re lonely. Relationships should be reserved for a deeper intimate connection between two people.
Ultimately, by following these principles, you will present yourself as a more confident man who knows exactly what he wants. Not only is this attractive, but in actually knowing your ideal type of girl, you will also find someone that you have chemistry with.
The Buyer’s Frame: Why Honesty is Attractive
These principles put you in the “buyer’s frame.” In nearly every interaction when two people are meeting, one person is the seller and the other is the buyer, although the roles can switch, and often do, throughout the interaction.
When you first approach a girl, you put yourself out there, so, naturally, she can decide whether to ignore you or not. Thus, you are the seller and she is the buyer. Over time, if you are self-amused and socializing for its own sake rather than to get something out of her, and if you show her that you are not self-conscious around her and are fully honest and expressive, then you are providing “value”. Eventually, if you provide enough value, she will want you to stay, and if you are more willing to walk away from the conversation than she is, you are now in the buyer’s frame.
You will notice that she will begin to qualify herself more often: that is, she will begin to say things gratuitously in an effort to impress you or because she is more self-conscious of her actions and behavior around you because she cares what you think of her. Once she starts qualifying herself to you, then that is a clear indication that she likes you.
The final step…
Now that you’ve found a girl that you truly like and she likes you back, you have to go through with the most important step–pull the trigger.
Pulling the trigger can mean different things in different contexts, whether it’s asking her out on a date, kissing her, or sleeping with her. Nevertheless, you have to make some sort of move to actually make her your girlfriend.
If you’ve followed the principles above, you haven’t portrayed yourself as a supplicating pushover without boundaries. A man who is willing to be fully expressive with his insecurities and his sense of humor exudes value and confidence.
However, sometimes the timing isn’t right or she just isn’t into you. Don’t worry. You can always try again later or move on to another girl. You have an abundance of opportunities, so don’t be afraid to take them.