Imagine you walk into your favorite watering hole and roll up to the bar.
“The usual?” an upbeat, familiar voice from behind the bar inquires expectantly.
“You know it.”
A few seconds later, the bartender slides you your standard drink that you crave as soon as you clock out.
Suddenly, your stomach lurches. A wave of excitement and anxiety hits you simultaneously. You look to your right and admire the raw aesthetic beauty of the woman sitting next to you. You glance over gingerly, just subtly enough to catch a glimpse but not obviously enough to warrant her attention. Her head turns slightly, but you’re not entirely sure whether she’s noticed you yet.
She’s gorgeous…introduce yourself.
For a moment, you feel the exhilaration surge through your veins. The sight of her voluptuous womanly figure excites you and the scent of her feminine perfume makes your head spin. But as you begin to speak, the air constricts in your throat. You begin to feel warm as a thin layer of warm perspiration forms on your palms. It’s as if you’ve lost all linguistic knowledge and you’re now relegated to merely peering about the bar.
Just ask her how she is…
Or ask her where she’s from…
Just say ANYTHING…
Have you ever seen a beautiful woman and wanted to talk to her, but you were just too nervous? Maybe you wouldn’t be so nervous if you knew what to say when approaching a girl. If you knew how to start a conversation with a girl, then you would know how to meet girls on a daily basis as you’re going about your day.
Imagine how much richer your dating life would be if you knew how to approach a girl in public. You would be able to talk to the woman at the bar or at the coffee shop that you’ve been meaning to start a conversation with, but you just don’t know how. In this article, I will show you what to say to a girl you just met so that you will know how to meet women in your daily life.
Here are the steps of how to approach a girl you don’t know:
- Clear your mind
- Start moving your feet
- Make an observation
- Make a breaking rapport statement
- Give value
Clearing your mind
Before you even approach the girl, you should relax and clear your mind before doubting thoughts flood your brain. After a few seconds of seeing a beautiful girl and contemplating approaching her, your thoughts will gradually become excuses as to why you shouldn’t talk to her.
People will think I’m weird…
I don’t want to interrupt what she’s doing…
I don’t want to be rude…
I don’t want to embarrass the girl…
Therefore, the first step is to empty your mind. Don’t get stuck in your own head about the perfect opening line and thinking about what others in the immediate surrounding area will think of your actions. Just relax and take action.
Start moving your feet
This brings me to my second point. When you see a girl that you want to talk to, immediately take steps in the direction of the girl. Immediate action taking will allow yourself to dive into the interaction without allowing limiting beliefs of self-conscious thoughts to commandeer your brain.
You might think, I don’t know what to say. That’s perfect! The more spontaneous and unplanned the things you say, the better. The girl can feel that you are being present. If you are too mechanical, then it comes off as creepy, like you have a hidden agenda.
Make an observation
The easiest thing to say when approaching a girl is just observing her or the environment and commenting on it. Don’t try to be too clever, just be obvious. So many guys try so hard to make a witty comment, but the girl can feel that it’s not organic and the guy is just trying to get a reaction out of the girl. If instead you freely express a simple statement or observation, the girl will feel less pressure and will be much more likely to engage into conversation with you.
If clever, witty comments come to you with ease, then it’s totally fine to express these thoughts. However, just bear in mind that the best thing to do is just to say whatever pops into your brain when you walk towards her.
Make a breaking rapport statement
Someone breaks rapport when they say or do something that risks comfort with the person that you are talking to, and, instead, breaks out of the normal pattern of conversation. Nevertheless, this pattern interrupt causes the person you are talking to become more interested in what you are saying.
For example, let’s say you ask a girl:
“Where are you from?”
“Oh, cool. What do you do?”
“I’m an accountant.”
“Oh that’s interesting. How old are you?”
You can tell that this string of interrogation is not going anywhere and is quite boring for the girl and probably for the guy as well.
Now, instead, imagine you ask, “where are you from?” She says, “New York,” and instead, you reply, “seriously?! I don’t believe you!” Although this is an extreme reaction to the question, it clearly breaks rapport. It departs from one’s expected response to the question. But, as a result, it also clearly captures one’s attention immediately and is adding value to the conversation. It is adding value in the sense that it is creating exciting material to work with and is making the interaction interesting.
Therefore, before you ask a girl any questions, you should first provide value by teasing the girl, primarily by making observations about her. For example, saying, “your style is so cosmopolitan–are you from New York?” is better than “where are you from?” Another example: “You seem like you have the eyes of a disciplinarian–are you a teacher?” is better than “what do you do?”
Furthermore, you can also provide value after the fact; that is, you can ask, “where are you from?” If the girl replies, “Los Angeles,” you could say, “I could see that. You look like the type of girl to indulge in green smoothies and bikram yoga, but I accept you for who you are.” Clearly, this is more interesting than just saying, “oh nice” or “that’s cool.”
So to summarize breaking rapport, it means to say or do something that is surprising and unpredictable that interrupts a usual pattern at the risk of compromising comfort. In essence, when you break rapport with a stranger, you are demonstrating that you are going to act on your own terms and don’t give a fuck. Although not everyone will like you if you do this, nearly everyone will respect you. And, inevitably, when someone does like you, the connection will be more genuine and the attraction more potent.
A Typical (Boring) Approach
Imagine the average guy at the bar. Let’s call him Joe. Joe stands at the bar and sees a girl he fancies. He excuses himself from his friends for a second and approaches said girl.
“Hello,” Joe says pleasantly.
“Hi,” the girl responds sheepishly, trying to gauge the man’s intentions.
“How are you?”
“Fine thanks, you?”
“I’m doing alright. Where are you from?”
“What part of California?”
“Cool. What do you do?”
“I’m a student.”
“Oh cool. What’s your major?”
“Psychology… My friends are waiting for me, I have to go. Nice meeting you!”
Does this sound familiar? For most guys, this is a typical interaction at the bar.
No matter how good looking Joe is, most women will walk away from him if he is this boring when talking to her.
Others might say to buy the girl a drink. That’s also a bad idea. I’ll explain why later in this article.
First of all, what’s wrong with what Joe did?
Consider the scenario from the girl’s perspective. A random patron of the bar approaches her and asks how she’s doing, where she’s from, and what she does. Why should the girl feel obligated to answer this man’s questions? Yes, he’s being friendly, but what value is he offering to the girl? You might find this pleasant for the first few minutes, but, over time, these questions become too predictable and old, especially if you are approached at the bar multiple times a night. This is exactly what an attractive girl experiences on a daily basis.
Typically, an attractive girl is hit on multiple times throughout the day in subtle ways, such as these brief interrogatory interactions, and countless times throughout the week. Thus, any “Joe” who walks up to her and has the same mundane conversation that is predictable and “builds rapport” will lose her interest quickly.
The girl feels pressured to answer questions that a strange man is asking her for no value return whatsoever. Especially with more attractive girls, a girl who receives a barrage of interview questions right off the bat will likely walk away quickly.
Now you may be wondering what I mean by value. What do you think of when I mention “value?” What are some example of ways to provide value to someone you’ve just met?
A Value-Giving Approach
Instead imagine another person, let’s call him “Mike” who comes up to you and teases you on your shirt: “I guess the Goodwill is a good place to fill out your wardrobe…”
You’ll probably react in one of two ways at this comment. Either you will find it comical and laugh or you will find it extremely offensive. Either way, the person has stirred up an emotion in you. This contrasts against the other “average Joe” at the bar who doesn’t stand out at all with his typical interview questions.
Why is the second approach more effective in eliciting attention? Basically, everything you say either builds value or takes value from the person you are talking to. Considering the prior example, the reason Joe is so annoying to the girl, aside from the fact that he doesn’t differentiate himself from anyone else at the bar, is because he is taking value with every question.
Each question that you ask the girl requires compliance: that is, you’re taking an action that requires the girl’s participation.
Any time you ask for compliance, it can be a chore, unless you’ve given a sufficient amount of value before the compliance move. Okay, I know, that’s a lot of jargon. Here’s an example:
Imagine you have a tennis ball and you’re playing fetch with a dog. You throw the ball, the dog chases after it, grabs it, and brings it back to you. Then the dog waits expectantly for the next toss. At first, the game is fun for both parties because the dog’s enthusiasm is contagious. Nevertheless, after you’ve tossed the ball about 30 times, you begin to tire of the game. The dog brings the ball back and waits for you to throw it. When the dog is waiting for you to throw the ball, it is waiting for you to comply. The dog has brought you the ball, now it expects you to take the next step and throw it.
Every time you ask a girl a question, you are expecting a response. You are like the dog bringing the ball to the girl waiting for her to throw it. You want her to comply, but after a while, it becomes a chore for her. Now imagine that every time she goes to a bar, another random bargoer comes up to her and asks her the same predictable questions: how are you, where are you from, what do you do, etc.
Would you want to talk to that guy?
Every once in awhile, maybe if the man is really hot, you’d make an exception. But for the average guy at the bar, the typical “introductory interrogation” won’t get him anywhere.
Now imagine a different scenario. A guy at the bar walks up to you and cracks a joke:
“If I didn’t know any better, I’d think that ass belonged to Kim Kardashian! Damn!”
You can’t help but to laugh. His enthusiasm and self-amusement is contagious.
“But if only it was a bit bigger. For me, your ass is only sufficiently massive if I can put my drink on it!”
You laugh again.
Even from these couple of teases and jokes, this approach is much better than the other mundane approach that would induce anyone into a coma. The girl wants to have fun, not undergo interrogation. Unless the interrogation is witty and playful. (link to questions article).
Why is this approach so much better than the first? Because this dude is bringing the party–with his wit, playful demeanor, and enthusiasm, you’re more inclined to want to talk to him.
Yes these jokes are a bit crass and risque, but that also amplifies the viscerality of the set. The girl experiences more emotions, which leads to greater arousal.
You might object that maybe all girls don’t like this kind of humor. You are absolutely right. Not every girl is going to like or understand your sense of humor. However, it is vitally important to put yourself out there during the interaction. Consequently, the girl receives a greater sample of your personality and will respect you more than if you just sit at the bar trying to draw out answers to “getting to know you” questions for hours on end.
So do you see the difference between the average guy at the bar and a guy who stands out with an attractive personality? There is a reason that when girls are asked what they are looking for in a man, they often say a “sense of humor.” Girls say this is because a guy who can make her laugh is coming from a place of sharing his joy and pure value-giving. A man who truly enjoys the banter and emotional connection during an interaction with a girl will convey his sincerity and authenticity; consequently, he will be attractive to the girl.
If you want more information about what to say to a girl you like, check out the next article where I discuss how to keep a conversation going with a girl in further detail.