Imagine you walk into your favorite watering hole and roll up to the bar.
“The usual?” an upbeat, familiar voice from behind the bar inquires expectantly.
“You know it.”
A few seconds later, the bartender slides you your standard drink that you crave as soon as you clock out.
Suddenly, your stomach lurches. A wave of excitement and anxiety hits you simultaneously. You look to your right and admire the raw aesthetic beauty of the woman sitting next to you. You glance over gingerly, just subtly enough to catch a glimpse but not obviously enough to warrant her attention. Her head turns slightly, but you’re not entirely sure whether she’s noticed you yet.
She’s gorgeous…introduce yourself.
For a moment, you feel the exhilaration surge through your veins. The sight of her voluptuous womanly figure excites you and the scent of her feminine perfume makes your head spin. But as you begin to speak, the air constricts in your throat. You begin to feel warm as a thin layer of warm perspiration forms on your palms. It’s as if you’ve lost all linguistic knowledge and you’re now relegated to merely peering about the bar.
Just ask her how she is…
Or ask her where she’s from…
Just say ANYTHING…
Have you ever seen a beautiful woman and wanted to talk to her, but you were just too nervous? Maybe you wouldn’t be so nervous if you knew what to say when approaching a girl. If you knew how to start a conversation with a girl, then you would know how to meet girls on a daily basis as you’re going about your day.
Imagine how much richer your dating life would be if you knew how to approach a girl in public. You would be able to talk to the woman at the bar or at the coffee shop that you’ve been meaning to start a conversation with, but you just didn’t know how. In this article, I will show you what to say to a girl you just met so that you will know how to meet women in your daily life.
Here are the steps of how to approach a girl you don’t know:
- Clear your mind
- Start moving your feet
- Make an observation
- Break rapport
- Give value
Clearing your mind
Before you even approach a girl, you should relax and clear your mind before doubting thoughts flood your brain. After a few seconds of seeing a beautiful girl and contemplating approaching her, your thoughts will gradually become excuses as to why you shouldn’t talk to her.
People will think I’m weird…
I don’t want to interrupt what she’s doing…
I don’t want to be rude…
I don’t want to embarrass her…
Therefore, the first step is to empty your mind. Don’t get stuck in your own head about the perfect opening line and thinking about what others in the immediate surrounding area will think of your actions. Just relax and take action.
Start moving your feet
This brings me to my second point. When you see a girl who you want to meet, immediately take steps in her direction. Immediate action taking will allow you to dive into the conversation without allowing limiting beliefs or self-conscious thoughts to commandeer your brain.
You might think, “I don’t know what to say…” That’s perfect! The more spontaneous and unplanned the things you say, the better. She can feel that you are being present. If you are too mechanical, then it comes off as creepy, like you have a hidden agenda.
Make an observation
The easiest thing to say when approaching a girl is just commenting on her or what’s around you. Don’t try to be too clever, just be obvious. So many guys try so hard to make a witty comment, but then she can feel that it’s not organic and the guy is just trying to get a reaction out of her. If, instead, you freely express a simple statement or observation, she will feel less pressure and will be much more likely to engage with you.
If clever, witty comments come to you with ease, then it’s totally fine to express these thoughts. However, just bear in mind that the best thing to do is just to say whatever pops into your brain when you walk towards her.
Someone breaks rapport when they say or do something that risks comfort with the person you’re talking to and breaks out of the normal pattern of conversation. Nevertheless, this pattern interrupt causes the person with whom you are talking to become more interested in what you are saying.
For example, let’s say you ask a girl:
“Where are you from?”
“Oh, cool. What do you do?”
“I’m an accountant.”
“Oh that’s interesting. How old are you?”
You can tell that this string of interrogatory questions is not going anywhere and is boring for both you and her.
Now, instead, imagine you ask, “where are you from?” She says, “New York,” and instead, you reply, “seriously?! I don’t believe you!” This is an unexpected response. But, as a result, it also clearly captures her attention immediately and is adding value to the conversation. It is adding value in the sense that it is creating exciting material to work with and is making the conversation interesting.
Furthermore, you can also provide value after a question. Let say you ask, “where are you from?” If she replies, “Los Angeles,” you could say, “I could see that. You look like the type of girl to indulge in green smoothies and bikram yoga…” Clearly, this is more interesting than just saying, “oh nice” or “that’s cool.”
So to summarize breaking rapport, it means to say or do something that is surprising and unpredictable that interrupts a usual pattern at the risk of compromising comfort. In essence, when you break rapport with a stranger, you are demonstrating that you are going to act on your own terms and don’t give a fuck about what others think of you. Although not everyone will like you if you do this, nearly everyone will respect you. And, inevitably, when someone does like you, the connection will be more genuine and the attraction more potent.
A Typical (Boring) Approach
Imagine the average guy at the bar. Let’s call him Joe. Joe stands at the bar and sees a girl he fancies. He excuses himself from his friends and approaches her.
“Hello,” Joe says pleasantly.
“Hi,” the girl responds sheepishly, carefully gauging his intentions.
“How are you?”
“Fine thanks, you?”
“I’m doing alright. Where are you from?”
“What part of California?”
“Cool. What do you do?”
“I’m a student.”
“Oh cool. What’s your major?”
“Psychology… My friends are waiting for me, I have to go. Nice meeting you!”
Does this sound familiar? For most guys, this is a typical interaction at the bar.
No matter how good looking Joe is, most women will walk away from him if he is this boring to talk to.
First of all, what’s wrong with what Joe did?
Consider the scenario from her perspective. A random patron of the bar approaches her and asks how she’s doing, where she’s from, and what she does. Why should she feel obligated to answer this man’s questions? Yes, he’s being friendly, but what value is he offering? You might find this pleasant for the first few minutes, but, over time, these questions become predictable and old, especially if you are approached at the bar multiple times a night. This is exactly what an attractive girl experiences on a daily basis.
Typically, an attractive girl is hit on multiple times throughout the day in subtle ways, such as these brief interrogatory interactions, and countless times throughout the week. Thus, any “Joe” who walks up to her and has the same mundane conversation that is predictable and “builds rapport” (trying to get the other person to like you) will lose her interest quickly.
Especially with more attractive girls, a girl who receives the typically barrage of interview questions right off the bat will walk away quickly.
Now you may be wondering what I mean by “value.” What do you think of when I mention “value?” What are some examples of ways to provide value to someone you’ve just met?
A Value-Giving Approach
Instead imagine another person, let’s call him “Mike” who comes up to you and teases you on your shirt: “I guess the Goodwill is a good place to fill out your wardrobe…”
You’ll probably react in one of two ways at this comment. Either you will find it comical and laugh or you will find it extremely offensive. Either way, the person has stirred up an emotion in you. This contrasts against the other “average Joe” at the bar who doesn’t stand out at all with his typical interview questions.
Why is the second approach more effective in eliciting attention? Basically, everything you say either builds value or takes value from the person you are talking to. Considering the prior example, the reason Joe is so annoying to the girl, aside from the fact that he doesn’t differentiate himself from anyone else at the bar, is because he is taking value with every question.
Each question that you ask requires effort to answer, which can feel like a chore, unless you’ve given value beforehand. Consider this analogy:
Imagine you have a tennis ball and you’re playing fetch with a dog. You throw the ball, the dog chases after it, grabs it, and brings it back to you. Then the dog waits expectantly for the next toss. At first, the game is fun for everyone because the dog’s enthusiasm is contagious. Nevertheless, after you’ve tossed the ball about 30 times, you begin to tire of the game.
Every time you ask a girl a question, you are expecting a response. You are like the dog bringing the ball to the girl waiting for her to throw it again. You want her to comply, but, after a while, it becomes a chore for her. Now imagine that every time she goes to a bar, another random guy comes up to her and asks her the same predictable questions: how are you, where are you from, what do you do, etc.
Would you want to talk to that guy?
Every once in awhile, maybe if he’s really hot, you’d make an exception. But for the average guy at the bar, the typical “introductory interrogation” won’t get him anywhere.
Now imagine a different scenario. A guy at the bar walks up to you and cracks a joke:
“If I didn’t know any better, I’d think that ass belonged to Kim Kardashian! Damn!”
You can’t help but to laugh. His enthusiasm and self-amusement is contagious.
This approach is much better than the other mundane approach that would induce anyone into a coma. She wants to have fun, not undergo interrogation.
Why is this approach so much better than the first? Because this dude is bringing the party–with his wit, playful demeanor, and enthusiasm, you want to talk to him.
You might object that maybe all girls don’t like this kind of humor. You are absolutely right. Not every girl is going to like or understand your sense of humor. However, it is vitally important to put yourself out there during a conversation.
One challenging remark or joke can reveal more about your personality than a million tepid biographical questions.
So do you see the difference between the average guy at the bar and a guy who stands out with charisma? There is a reason that when girls are asked what they are looking for in a man, they often say “a sense of humor.”
Girls say this because a guy who can make her laugh is coming from a place of sharing his joy and is purely giving value. A man who truly enjoys the banter and emotional connection during an interaction with a girl conveys his sincerity and authenticity; consequently, girls will find him attractive.
If you want more information about what to say to a girl you like, check out the next article where I discuss how to keep a conversation going with a girl in further detail.