An Asian guy with a white girl.
How often do you see this couple? Why do we not see it more often? Is it because white girls don’t find asian guys attractive?
I used to think this way. In 2013, at the age of 23, I was still a virgin. I am of Japanese descent, and most of my childhood was primarily focused on attaining good grades and endeavoring to gain entrance into a top tier university.
In high school, this was my typical schedule:
6:30 am: wake up, get ready for school
8:00 am: drive to school
8:30 am – 3:00 pm: go to classes
3:00 pm – 5:00 pm: cross country practice
5:30 pm – 9:00 pm: study and do homework
9:30 pm – 12:30 am: read, play computer games, go to bed
My entire day consisted of academic work, cross country, and computer games. So when I wasn’t studying or practicing, I would hone my skills in Counterstrike, Starcraft, Heroes of Newerth (now League of Legends), and World of Warcraft. Instead of socializing, I focused on getting my Tauren Druid to level 60 and running raids with my virtual avatar…
People at school knew me as a mute–I was incredibly shy to the point where if I would say anything, someone would exclaim, “Hey, Marcus is actually talking!”
At this point of my life, I was also in denial when it came to girls.
My senior year of high school, I finally worked up the courage to ask a girl out, mostly because she was one of my only female friends during this period of time, I felt comfortable around her, and I wanted companionship (and yes, she was Caucasian).
A week after I asked her out, she was also my first kiss.
However, my first positive experience with a girl turned into a barrage of neediness and codependency. We delusionally thought that we wanted to marry each other even though we weren’t very compatible.
She was friendly and outgoing but to try to settle down at the age of 18 with your first girlfriend I now realize is an incredibly absurd idea.
Due to my scarce mindset (because I never thought I would ever have a chance to have another girlfriend), we agreed to have a long-distance relationship during my first year of college.
Although I am grateful for her company, albeit over the computer, over that year, I realize now that I missed out on many freshman year experiences that I sacrificed for hours of Skype sessions with the girl that I couldn’t let go of.
As my first year of college drew on, my relationship became more and more tense. Eventually, every text and every Skype session turned into a two-way verbal assault. In February of my second semester of college, we ended our relationship.
As I progressed through college, I was known for my academic performance. I became more of a nerd as the years drew on.
I chose my major as math and minored and philosophy and economics. I became a research assistant in the Economics department and my primary ambition became gaining admission into the best possible graduate program in Economics.
I had little time to focus on my love life, let alone a social life.
I got zero action from girls throughout my entire time during college. At the age of 21, I had still only kissed one girl.
A month after turning 21, I went on a study abroad trip through London, Paris, Amsterdam, and throughout Italy which would open my eyes.
The trip consisted of students throughout the US, primarily from major state universities in Texas and Florida. Little did I know that most students from these schools like to party–HARD.
Our first night in London was my second time ever getting drunk (my first was freshman year when I got drunk at a house party and spent the night passed out in the bathroom). I can still recall how liberated I felt when I was able to turn my brain off and socialize with people uninhibitedly.
My roommate on the trip was an unapologetic, smooth-talking Jewish pre-law student from South Carolina, and he was a natural with girls.
Aesthetically, he was white, about 6 feet tall, had a slim figure, and short curly hair. He would make relaxed yet unrelenting eye contact with girls and would make them laugh with his sexual sense of humor.
I still delusionally thought that I was decent with girls too: I was intelligent, got good grades, played sports, and a lot of guys thought that I was cool.
But there was a moment on the trip when I realized that my own self-perception was tragically wrong.
During the third week of the trip, most of the more popular girls (about 10 in total), got together and compiled a list of the top 5 most attractive and bottom 5 least attractive guys on the trip.
At that time, I fully expected to be in the top 5. Actually, I expected to be number 1. My resume was polished–good grades, intelligent, cultured, and athletic.
“So who is in the top 5,” my roommate asked one of the girls on our trip.
“I don’t know if I should say…”
“Come on, we’ll just keep it between us. Was I at least in the top 5?”
“Yes! Top 3?!”
“You were number 2.”
“Haha nice! Wait, who was number 1?”
“Dylan.” Dylan was built like an All-American quarterback with deep blue eyes and a shaved head.
“Yeah he’s cute.”
“Where was I?” I stepped in and asked.
“Yeah Marcus was number 3, wasn’t he?” my roommate asked.
“Well no, but you’re in my top 5!” she said while trying to comfort me with a patronizing side hug.
At that point, I realized that she was trying to let me down easy. I was not in the top 5 at all. I was actually in the bottom 5, close to the bottom.
Later that day, my roommate and my other friend were conversing while on an Italian beach near Florence.
“When did you guys lose your virginity?” my roommate asked.
“I was a late bloomer…I was 19,” my Texan friend Chad replied.
I looked visibly nervous at the question.
“Wait, Marcus, are you still a virgin?” my roommate asked.
“Yeah…” I felt a twinge of embarrassment.
“Dude, I don’t know how you do it. You’re missing out. I’m gonna have to get you laid before the trip ends.”
“Ok,” I said meekly with a nervous giggle.
But it didn’t happen. Whenever my roommate tried to set me up with a girl at a nightclub or bar when we went out, she would quickly lose interest.
When I returned home from Europe, my life was different.
I no longer had the delusional sense of confidence and self-assuredness with women that I formerly did. I was always used to excelling at everything that I did. The list brought to light how dire my love life was.
Then one Google search would forever change the trajectory of my life:
“Why white girls don’t like Asian guys”
I found a few videos justifying the stereotype of girls trying to explain that there are physical differences and cultural differences.
However, I also found videos about white girls saying that they like Asian guys, but Asian guys tend to be too shy to even talk to them.
But one video in particular shattered my reality of how women perceive men.
Previously, I had always thought that women are attracted to men primarily based on looks, talents, and accomplishments. For me, if a man wasn’t attractive, successful, and talented, then he would have no chance with a woman. Nevertheless, this video shifted my entire paradigm of attraction.
“When it comes down to it, women don’t care as much about what you look like, how much money you have, or whether you have a six pack. They care mostly about whether they can have a good time with you. The number one trait that women find attractive is social savvy.”
I realized from that point that my entire understanding of how women come to like a man was wrong. Women become attracted to a man over time. When a woman has a good time with a man, she will eventually become aroused.
The instructor in the video, who was also Asian, did say that sometimes people were blatantly racist when he would talk to girls.
“One girl that I approached that night, when I turned her around to introduce myself, immediately said, ‘go away! I don’t talk to Asians!’. . .Later that night, I introduced a girl that I met to one of my friends, who responded, ‘why are you talking to him? Don’t you know that Asians have small dicks?!’”
Clearly, appearances do matter…but only to an extent. However, what matters the most is what most girls say: confidence.
But what does it actually mean to be “confident?”
Basically, it means that you say or do what you want without worrying so much about how people will react to what you say or what other people think about who you are.
Sometimes when you start talking to a girl and she challenges you based on your appearances, she is merely testing you to see whether you are actually a man who is confident, unapologetic, and can handle himself in the face of adversity.
This is called a “shit test.”
Essentially, a woman is trying to see how truly “confident” you are. However, if you’re able to show her that you don’t give a fuck about what people think about you, then you’ll immediately demonstrate your confidence.
I personally love it when a woman tests me because it’s my opportunity to show her that I’m the real deal.
Most men crumble under the pressure of a woman testing them, but this is because they care too much about what the girl thinks of him and trying to appease the her.
So how do you pass a “shit test?”
Be fucking shameless.
If you find yourself feeling the need to justify or explain yourself when she starts to poke and prod at your insecurities, even if it’s in a playful or joking way, then you need to address those insecurities on an internal level.
Explore where the shame is coming from. Were you tease about it when you were younger? Were there emotionally traumatizing experiences in your childhood related to those insecurities?
Often you’ll find that there was one particular traumatizing event that you couldn’t really explain, so you rationalized that event as being your fault because of a reason that you make up in your head.
For example, when the girls made the list during my study abroad trip, my explanation for my unattractiveness was my ethnicity.
Although I now realize that this was a false belief, it felt real and rational to me at the time.
Most of your insecurities form in this way. There’s a traumatizing event that you don’t understand, so your mind quickly makes up a reason for that.
The key to passing shit tests is to have a nonchalant, unreactive demeanor that shows that you can brush off insults and dish them back without being upset about it. In essence, this tells the girl that you are comfortable with who you are and you don’t have an ego about it.
The key to developing this core confidence is to focusing on showing, not telling. That should be your mantra.
Show people who you are through your actions instead of feeling the need to tell people who you are or aren’t with your words.
As an Asian man, when a girl gives me shit about being Asian, I love it. I know that I can brush aside her insults and joke around confidently, which SHOWS that I don’t have shame surrounding my former racial insecurities.
Overall, I demonstrate to her that I fully embrace and am comfortable with who I am. This is the most attractive quality that a man can possess.
When a man is able to cultivate a high level of self-assuredness, women will respect him, regardless of what he looks like, how much money he has, or how accomplished he is.
You can’t always control whether a woman is attracted to you, but you can always control whether she respects you for being real.
Over the years, I’ve gone from being a “bottom 5” guy to becoming a man who women respect.
So to answer the initial question: white girls like some Asian guys, but only an Asian guy who isn’t micromanaging his behavior to cater to the woman’s impression of him.
It’s important to understand that girls judge guys more on their behavior and how congruent they are to their appearance than their actual appearance itself. In order to understand what girls like in boys in general, check out the next article.