Why The Pickup Artist Industry Makes Me Sad

Tim comes into the pickup artist world with optimism, hoping to eventually live a life where he’s just surrounded by hot girls everyday.

He wants to finally be the “cool guy” that he wasn’t in high school. The alpha dude who all the girls want and all the other guys are intimidated by.

Then Tim heads to his first meetup. He’s nervous and anxious. He questions whether meeting up with a bunch of guys from the Internet is a good idea after all, and he thinks about going back home.

Instead, Tim shows up. He spots a few interesting looking nerdy types in the corner talking amongst themselves. They don’t quite fit in, but they’re intriguing.

“Are you guys here for the meetup?”

“Hey, welcome!”

Slowly, that anxiety turns into excitement. These guys are actually pretty friendly!

Then it’s time to start approaching. Anxiety hits again.

When do we start? How good are the other guys? I’m not even sure what’s going on…

Then one of the guys runs over to the first girl he sees without hesitation. She pauses for a second, laughs nervously, and struts away.

“Nice job!” The other guys encourage him on approaching.

And this is the first flaw with the pickup mentality: why is it such a big deal to talk to a girl?

By celebrating a trivial social interaction, we’re putting it on a pedestal. Is it really that big of a deal to talk to someone?

This is why guys never get over approach anxiety–because the approach is viewed as an event. To other people, talking to another person is just socializing. It’s not something to celebrate.

By making such a big deal out of a social interaction, you’re putting unnecessary pressure on the act of socializing. Consequently, when you don’t approach, you start to feel ashamed. You beat yourself up because you were supposed to approach. It now becomes an obligation to approach every hot girl that you see.

But then you’d say, “You’re just making excuses. If you never told yourself to consciously approach, then you’d never cross the boundary into unconscious competence.”

False.

The solution to this issue is to find a group of people who are social but don’t make such a big deal out of approaching.

For example, when I was a nightclub promoter, we never made a big deal out of talking to girls; it was part of who we were.

The more time I spent around these guys, the more comfortable I felt approaching girls. In fact, I enjoyed it. Instead of approach anxiety, I had approach arousal.

Another thing that ends up happening when someone like Tim first enters the pickup world is that he starts to lose his identity. He loses a sense of his own values and preferences.

For example, maybe Tim likes nerdy shy girls. However, everyone in this new world tells him that he’s supposed to like hot busty blondes that look like pornstars. Moreover, his life goals should be to hook up with as many as possible, and he should construct his life so that he has a harem of hot girls in his life.

I believe that some guys genuinely want this, but a lot of guys don’t. They are shamed into thinking that they do. Somehow, if they aren’t constantly getting laid, they lose their masculinity.

Furthermore, they’re never honest with themselves, and they don’t have enough self-esteem to admit it.

What ends up happening is that they start to emulate the behaviors of the ideal “alpha male.” They all start dressing the same, moving the same, talking the same, reading the same books, drinking the same kombucha…

They lose a sense of what they want for themselves.

It gets to the point where they think that the only way they can be happy is when they have their harem and people think that they’re cool.

I went through this too. I thought that I wouldn’t be satisfied with my life until I had hooked up with a certain number of girls.

Then as I had met and exceeded that number, I still wasn’t OK with myself. I began to lose hope that I ever would be.

Then during my meditation retreat, I thought I was going to die.

At first, I panicked. There’s so much I have yet to do on my bucket list. I still wanted to make a million dollars, travel the world, get married, have a family…

But then I asked myself, “Am I OK with the life I’ve lived?”

At first, I wasn’t. I have too much to live for that I haven’t achieved yet.

But then I started to accept my fate. Even if I were to die, I’ve still had a rich life. I’ve had many friends and many experiences, and I’m grateful for the life I’ve lived.

In that acceptance, I felt peace.

This is what most guys are missing.

The foundation of self-acceptance and inner tranquility is requisite for self-esteem and confidence.

A woman can sense an insecure man from a mile away. It will eventually be exposed.

Most pickup artists are walking on eggshells. They’re always afraid of losing her, so they’ll compensate by being overly apologetic or overly aggressive to cover up their lack of inner peace.

Having hung out with a lot of pickup artists, I notice this immediately.

Guys are constantly trying to assert themselves over you to win over your validation. They subtly try to allude to how cool they are so that you accept them.

And that’s how they come across to girls. Girls immediately see this neediness, unless they are so rife with insecurities themselves that they completely overlook it, which actually happens quite often.

A lot of pickup artists treat talking to girls as a game to see who can make the other person feel more insecure. They’ll make passive aggressive remarks to make the girl self-conscious about her facial expressions to the point where she doesn’t notice his insatiable thirst for her validation.

So you might be asking, what’s the alternative?

Let me clarify–I’m not saying to never talk to girls. But if you want to talk to a girl, don’t make such a big deal out of it. Just go do it.

If you start to feel anxiety, that’s a manifestation of a lack of self-esteem. You’re viewing the event as something that you should do instead of something that you could do.

Do you see the difference? Obligation versus gratitude.

In one case, you feel like you’re supposed to talk to her. Who says so? No one cares.

But instead, think of it this way. We are literally free to talk to anyone we want to. What an amazing liberty!

To get to this point, be OK with yourself first. Spend some time in isolation and start thinking about what you actually value. Don’t make such a big deal out of things. If you get rejected, so what? If you hook up with a girl, who cares?

Just do things because you want to, not because you feel obligated to or because someone told you to. If someone wants to shame you for not following their values even when they don’t align with yours, tell them to fuck off.

Defend your castle. Protect your principles and values with confidence.

Be sure in your preferences. Or if you don’t know what your preferences are, be unashamed and confident in your agnosticism.

Don’t be afraid to state your opinions openly without hesitation or shame.

Go for what you want unapologetically. If you get turned down, try again or move on. Either way, it’s not a big deal.

An Intellectual History Of My Life In 11 Books

Apology by Plato (Age 11)



When I was young, my stepdad would consistently challenge me intellectually. He felt that it’s important for young adults to start thinking about philosophy and politics at an early age in order to become responsible citizens.

One of the first philosophical pieces that I read was Apology by Plato. In my opinion, this should be required reading for every living human being.

This book is Plato’s account of Socrates’s trial where he is charged for being the “gadfly of Athens.” Basically, Socrates pestered Greek experts and knowledgeable authorities on their areas of expertise. He would question their values to explore if they really knew about their fields of expertise.

For example, Socrates would question a war general on the virtue of courage, or he would question a lawyer on the topic of justice.

People often dogmatically accept the state of things as true just because it’s the social consensus. They don’t decide for themselves whether they truly accept certain claims as true.

We see this more than ever in our society today. People are Trump supporters or Trump haters without knowing what his actual policies are; they cite scientific claims as absolute truth without taking into account the inherent possibility of error in the scientific method (an inductive reasoning process).

Ultimately, people rarely question their actual values and opinions on a deeper level.

Plato’s Apology brings this to light. Why did I think certain facts as true? How do I know what I know?

Maybe this life is all a dream. Maybe I was adopted. Maybe people see colors differently from each other, but we just happen to give them the same name.

To this day, I bear in mind Socratic principles when forming my opinions and beliefs about anything.

The Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels (Age 12)


“If you’re not liberal by the time you’re 20, you don’t have a heart. If you’re not conservative by the time you’re 30, you don’t have a brain.” This quote accurately describes my political disposition during my childhood, minus 10 years.

During middle school and high school, I was an idealist. I wanted to provide welfare for everyone and save the world.

Although I wasn’t an advocate for communism, I was fully aware of the shortcomings of capitalism at an early age. I see people obligatorily going to their nine-to-fives with disdain and a sense of hopelessness.

In The Communist Manifesto Marx describes why this naturally happens in capitalistic societies. He claims that as the capitalists (i.e. the business owners) grow their corporations, they begin to create more specialized roles for their workers.

A clear example of this is when Ford created an assembly line at his car factory. Workers went from creating a car from start to finish to simply just putting nuts on a tire rim. Their jobs became so oversimplified that they no longer felt connected to their work.

And capitalism encourages this kind of systematic organization because assembly lines are more efficient than having a worker create a car from start to finish.

Although Marx and communism are highly stigmatized in American society due to post-World War II McCarthyism, Marx is one of the most insightful philosophers and economists who ever lived, and his works should not be immediately dismissed merely because of the stigma that communism has in our society.

In fact, this was one of the best books I’ve ever read for management and entrepreneurship. Marx clearly and concisely points out the potential flaws in laissez-faire capitalism.

The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand (Age 14)


During high school, I was obsessed with this book. It took me three days to plow through this tome, but the ideas of creativity and individualism embodied by Howard Roark challenged my paradigm of conformity and social harmony.

It’s actually in an individual’s self-pursuit of his or her ultimate truth that creativity is cultivated and society progresses.

Basically, I stopped being such a people pleaser with my ideas and began my own personal quest to seek truth.

The Fountainhead encouraged me to appreciate my own individuality and to eschew conformity.

Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell (Age 18)


Up through middle school, I got good grades. I thought I was just born smart.

During high school, I got my first C- in Honors Pre-Calculus. I thought that I finally found my ceiling. The other kids in my class were just born smarter than me.

It wasn’t until I read Outliers that I realized that skills are cultivated from hours of deliberate practice rather than inherent talent and ability.

After reading the book, I had a Keyser Soze-esque moment.

I remembered back to elementary and middle school. I used to stay at school with my stepdad until 8pm every night (he taught at the school), so I studied 4 hours more than any of the other kids in my class.

Then I remembered back to one of my friends in my math class. My other friend and I were going to go play tennis, so we invited my math friend along. He said he had to stay in to study Calculus. “But it’s Sunday!” That didn’t matter. So it’s no surprise that he got an A in the class, and I didn’t.

As a result of Outliers: The Story of Success, I worked really hard during college; I made up for my slacking in high school. This a perfect analogy for the fixed versus growth mindset that Carol Dweck talks about in Mindset: The New Psychology of Success.

I graduated with a degree in Math and minors in Economics and Philosophy. Some of the upper division and graduate level Math classes were obscenely hard for me, but I would study twice as long as the other students in my class. Consequently, I graduated near the top of my class and was admitted to my dream graduate program (although I ended up dropping out, but more on that later).

Capitalism and Freedom by Milton Friedman (Age 19)



When I started learning about Economics as a freshman in college, I began to shift my political thinking.

Along with binge-watching Ron Paul and Peter Schiff videos and reading Milton Friedman’s Capitalism and Freedom, made me grow sympathetic towards libertarianism. Something about the way Friedman argued that liberty should be the primary value and that government’s role is to support that resonated with me.

Friedman makes strong, logical arguments for the free market and its effectiveness in solving social and economic issues.

Although I had voted for Barack Obama in the 2008 election when I was 18, my perspective shifted by the time I was 20.

A lot of people think that libertarians and fiscal conservatives in general are cold-hearted individuals. However, when it comes to their economic outlook on policy, it’s not necessarily that they don’t want the most impoverished people to succeed; instead, public welfare programs are inefficient and are not the way for these people to succeed.

There are certain people in society in the lowest economic tier who are persistently self-victimizing. The way to help them isn’t by just giving them enough welfare to live, but, rather, to inculcate a different mindset and emotional disposition that they have towards their situation.

Nudge by Richard Thaler and Cass Sunstein (Age 20)


This book by Thaler and Sunstein revolutionized my thinking about the way we make decisions.

Nudge: Improving Decisions About Health, Wealth, and Happiness highlights how by making simple changes in the way choices are presented to us (like having chips and candy at the cashier, or having a default subscription option chosen), we can create vast social change without coercing anyone to make that decision.

For example, what if we put fruits and vegetables at the front of school cafeterias (like the candy and chips at the cash registers)? Would this increase the consumption of fruits and vegetables for our children? This was the topic that I helped my professor research while I was an undergraduate.

Now the way that I design my checkout forms for my website directly applies these concepts to my business.

Basic Writings by Martin Heidegger (Age 21)



In college, I was primarily concerned with finding the ultimate truth. I wanted to know what we can know. How do we know that this life isn’t all just a dream? What is this life ultimately?

Basic Writings was the answer to all of my questions but not in the way I was expecting.

It’s a collection of essays that Heidegger wrote about metaphysics and epistemology; basically, it’s his take on the nature of reality and what is knowable.

Heidegger’s perspective is so unique that it took me a full year of studying his work until I was able to comprehend the basics of his philosophy.

For me, this is the most important book that I’ve read. It shifted my perspective from thinking that there is a singular, ubiquitous objective truth to seeing that nothing is deductively provable, but we can still talk about truth from a higher perspective.

Rich Dad, Poor Dad by Robert Kiyosaki (Age 25)



I went to grad school two years after graduating from BYU. My undergraduate degree was in math, and I ended up studying at the London School of Economics for a Masters in Philosophy of the Social Sciences.

This was my dream program. Throughout my undergraduate career, I sacrificed a social life for time spent in the Econ and Math labs studying and researching. I wanted to be a professor. Then I gained admission to LSE, which has the best Philosophy of the Social Sciences department in the world.

When I first got to LSE, I loved it. I loved my classes, my colleagues, and the faculty. Everyone was so intelligent and witty and I felt like I fit right in.

But then during class discussions, I started realizing that although my colleagues were eloquent, a lot of them did not have enough life experience to substantiate their claims. I became frustrated by the confines of academic thinking and the stifling of real creative and original thinking.

Gradually, I began to lose interest in the program and was thinking about going back to Vegas. I started going to the gym and exploring the city of London instead of going to class.

During Christmas break, I stayed at a friend’s flat. He’s a finance professor, and on his bookshelf, he had Rich Dad Poor Dad: What the Rich Teach Their Kids About Money That the Poor and Middle Class Do Not!. I had heard a lot of good things about the book, so I started reading it.

When I read it, I realized that I could have a better life than just being a professor. I could create streams of passive income and have the freedom to choose the impact that I make on the world.

The way I would create passive income would be through websites and online assets.

After reading the book, I dropped out of grad school the next day.

Reality Transurfing by Vadim Zeland (Age 26)



I heard a lot of interesting things about Reality Transurfing before picking it up. I heard that people who read it would, on average, double their income the following year. That sounded pretty good to me, so I dove into it.

This book is long and becomes somewhat repetitive, but for a good reason. By the time you finish the book, the concepts and new paradigm is so ingrained in your head that you immediately start living it.

I read this book at an interesting time in my life. I had been promoting for 10 months in Las Vegas. During that time, I was living the quintessential hedonistic lifestyle of sex, drugs, and partying.

Once my time in Vegas came to an end, I knew that I wanted to reset my life. I did a week-long silent meditation retreat in Thailand. After the retreat, I stayed in Thailand and southeast Asia for another three months.

The first book I read after leaving the retreat was Reality Transurfing. It made me rethink the way the world works. I started to see the power of the soul versus the mind, and how each affects our reality.

Secrets of the Millionaire Mind by T Harv Eker (Age 26)



This was another book that I read in Thailand, and it was surprisingly influential in my life. I thought it was going to be gimmicky, but it actually changed the way I looked at wealth and one’s relationship to money.

In Secrets of the Millionaire Mind: Mastering the Inner Game of Wealth Eker asserts that the amount of wealth one has is directly related to his or her emotional relationship with money.

This was a revolutionary idea for me. I thought that if you have the technical pieces in place and willpower, then that is enough to generate wealth.

But Eker shows that there’s something more important than that–keeping the wealth.

You can use methods to become rich, but it will be ephemeral if you don’t change our emotional financial blueprint. You’ll simply deviate back to your initial setpoint.

This is why you often see athletes going broke once they retire.

The One Thing by Gary Keller (Age 26)



I read this book after Secrets of the Millionaire Mind also when I was in Thailand.
The main premise of the book is to ask yourself, “what is the one thing that will make everything else easier or unnecessary?” Basically, your defining your keystone task for the day. Once that domino is knocked over, all the others will fall. Everything will fall into place.

But taking action on this is harder than you’d think.

Throughout my life, I’ve been a people pleaser who has always been willing to help people out. I enjoy the feeling of altruism. I rarely said “no” to requests.

However, The ONE Thing: The Surprisingly Simple Truth Behind Extraordinary Results made me realize that I need to set some boundaries if I ever wanted to be successful. I’d have to say “no” sometimes (actually, a majority of the time) so that I could get what I needed to get done first.

It was harder than I thought to practice. Saying “no” and disappointing friends feels bad, but once you do it, your friends will respect you more for it.

It’s hard to do at first, but, eventually, you’ll have your values, priorities, and actions aligned. As a result, you’ll take a more direct route to success.

Happiness is a Choice? Lessons From My Silent Meditation Retreat

You’ve probably heard it before…

“Happiness is a choice.”

And you’ve probably thought…

“Bullshit.”

What does that even mean anyway? I just think my way to happiness?

In this article, I break down what this actually means. Then I show you how to actually become happy and fulfilled based on my personal experience.

First, let’s start with what makes you unhappy. Usually two things make us unhappy: disappointment and hopelessness. When we are disappointed, we have the expectation of things going a certain way, and reality fails to live up to our expectations. When this happens for an extended period of time and we get bored of the monotony of life, we become hopeless.

After a duration of time, this hopeless state affects us biologically and our body adapts. We become hormonally and chemically imbalanced. This leads to clinical depression.

But what is the cause of the disappointment?

One word: entitlement.

We think that we are entitled to certain things happening in our lives, like getting married, having children, making a certain income, and living a long life.

But the truth is, we aren’t.

In fact, we aren’t entitled to anything.

Last February, I went on a meditation retreat in Thailand.

During the retreat, we weren’t allowed to use our cell phones, exercise, or read. We weren’t even allowed to talk. We were only allowed to wear plain white clothing, eat a strictly vegetarian diet, and meditate for a few hours per day.

I quickly realized how poorly rested I was. I slept about 16 hours the first day. I slept another 12 hours the second day. Then I eased into a more regular 8 hour sleeping pattern, going to bed at 9pm and waking up at 5am.

By the third and fourth day, the retreat feels surreal. Your mind wanders, and you feel like an ant wandering throughout its day. You wake up, go to the morning dhamma talk, meditate, eat breakfast, meditate, eat lunch, meditate, sit outside for a few hours, meditate, then go to bed. Then you do that again. And again. And again. And again. And again…

During the course of the retreat, your layers of identity are stripped away. Back home, I was a nightclub promoter, a dating coach, a college graduate, a former high school athlete, an ultimate frisbee player, a friend, and a son.

But at the retreat, I was nothing. I just was. I was just an entity, living in the world without any purpose. I just existed.

No one there knew anything about me other than I was another entity that they would see in the meditation room.

But there was no reason for them to get to know me. It’s not good or bad–it just is.

We lived like animals in the wild. Animals don’t talk to one another or cogitate about philosophical ideas and discuss their hopes and plans for the future. They just eat, sleep, and live.

When you’re put into this state of being, you start to question the significance of who you actually are. Why is it important that I used to work at the #1 nightclub in the world or that I was admitted to a prestigious grad school? Why does it matter that I have plans for the future of becoming successful and having a family? And why does it even matter that I have a reputation among my friends and family for being a great person?

The answer? It doesn’t.

Those are just our psychological and social constructs that we impose upon the world. Animals don’t think this way. They simply just exist and carry on.

So what does this all mean and what does it have to do with happiness?

When you start to see that the things we identify with aren’t actually that important and that we are ultimately insignificant creatures in the universe that just eat, sleep, and die, we start to see that we aren’t entitled to anything.

A dog doesn’t think to itself that it is entitled to a long, happy life consisting of working, raising a family, having hobbies, and enjoying the company of friends. A dog enjoys the company of people, but it doesn’t get mad because you missed a playdate.

Basically, there is no expectation or obligation. A dog enjoys the moment for what it is.

So the first step to happiness is acceptance. Accept that we aren’t entitled to anything. It’s very possible that you could die later this afternoon. And it wouldn’t necessarily be a bad or a good thing. It just is.

Humans are the ones who impose value judgments on things. We always have the tendency to interpret events and evaluate them based on how “bad” or “good” they are. What does that even mean anyway? What metric are we using to make such claims?

In actuality, there is no way to measure it. Value judgments are purely subjective constructs.

And these value judgments can be empowering or discouraging.

Here’s an example. Let’s say you got a flat tire on the way to work. Most people would think, “This is terrible! Now I’m going to be late! Bah humbug!”

That’s a discouraging value judgment. You’re viewing the event as bad.

But as soon as you catch yourself going down that path, you can also think, “Wow, I’m complaining about my $12,000 car breaking down on my way to a six-figure job in Los Angeles, a city most people would sacrifice so much to live in.” From this perspective, you see that you aren’t entitled to anything in your life situation; you’re just lucky to have any of it.

It’s ironic that many people who have a difficult life tend to complain less than those who have faced little adversity in their lives.

But it’s not coincidental.

People who have endured adversity have been repeatedly confronted by this idea that they aren’t entitled to anything. Even things they’ve earned can be taken away at any time.

Some people might say, “That’s unfair.” But what is fairness anyway? What does that even mean? What is so unfair about having all of your things taken away?

Most people would argue, “Because I earned everything I have. I deserve it.”

Who says so? Society? Once again, you’re placing the value judgment of fairness onto your life situation. Maybe you earned your title of “doctor” by societal standards but that doesn’t mean anything from a universal perspective.

In other words, in society, when we think of “doctor,” we think of someone who is rich, successful, and well-educated. But when you’re at the meditation retreat without anyone to talk to and just existing, your earned title of “doctor” doesn’t mean anything.

You don’t deserve anything. In the grand scheme of things, four years of med school doesn’t mean anything. That was just an experience you went through because you chose to go through it.

The universe isn’t fair because fairness doesn’t exist. Things just happen, and we impose our own meaning onto the events that transpire.

So what is the opposite of entitlement?

Gratitude.

People who come from this perspective, where they see that the world is capricious and everything could be taken away in an instant, are the ones who enjoy life.

They appreciate the moment for what it is, fully knowing that our time on this earth doesn’t entirely belong to us. At some point, our bodies are going into the ground along with our memories, titles, and accomplishments.

But once we realize this, we become liberated. We realize that there is no meaning except for our own subjective meaning that we impose onto things. Meaning is a human invention.

However, when you realize this, you become liberated. We get to choose our own meaning. We get to choose what game we want to play and what the rules of the game are.

If we want to end world hunger, we can aspire to do so. If we want to become the world’s best League of Legends player, there’s no one stopping you, except for yourself.

You’re the only person preventing you from doing anything because you are the one deciding whether things that happen in your life and what people say to you are empowering or discouraging.

When people doubt you and tell you that you’ll never become a millionaire or you could never start a successful business, you can either use that as an excuse to not go through with it or as a reason to prove them wrong. Or you can simply think that what others say is irrelevant to your life because you know yourself best. You choose.

People respond to different motivators in different ways, so it’s up to you to choose how you want to interpret what people say or what happens to you.

Overall, here are the steps to becoming fulfilled:

  1. Strip away your layers of identity. Tragedies tend to do this, but if you want to do it consciously, then isolation and fasting help. Isolation and fasting put you in a state of merely existing.
  2. Accept your existence. Realize that your identities are just identities. Identities are just ways for categorizing yourself and assimilating into various social groups in your life.
  3. Accept mortality. Realize that we’re all going to die, which makes your identities irrelevant.
  4. Move away from entitlement and towards gratitude. Realize that we aren’t entitled to anything. Not even relationships, jobs, food, and water. We’re lucky to even be alive.
  5. Continually practice gratitude in your life. Whenever you’re triggered or feel yourself being overwhelmed by obligations or expectations, realize that those are all human constructs. They don’t exist. Be grateful that you are even in a situation to have an obligation.Even if it seems like the end of the world, where maybe you’re late to work and you get fired, you’re lucky to even be alive and to have had those experiences at the job in the first place. Quit placing so much importance on things that are socially or psychologically imposed pressures. They’re not even real.

3 Simple Steps to Become More Authentic

“Hello!” you say to the girl sitting alone at the bar.

“Hi,” she replies with a gentle smile.

“How are you?” you say pleasantly.

“I’m ok. Just waiting for my boyfriend…he’s in the bathroom.”

“Oh ok. So what brings you here tonight?”

“Just a night out. I have to go…nice to meet you!”

Another pleasant conversation that goes nowhere.

Do you ever experience this when going out? It seems like she’s looking for a way out of the conversation before it even began…

Why does this happen?

Because she senses that you’re speaking out of obligation rather than inspiration–that is, you’re saying words to fill the space because you have an intent beyond just enjoying the conversation. You want something from her, and she can feel it.

The way we communicate is like a window, and most of us have dirty windows. Let me explain.

When I was in college, during one of my writing courses, we learned about windows. Our writing is like a window–if we can write clearly, then it’s like having a clean window. People can more easily read and understand our ideas.

Likewise, whenever we talk to someone during our day, that person is looking through our window. Based on how clearly we represent ourselves is analogous to how clean our window is.

If you tend to embellish or tell white lies, then your window is caked with mud and insect guts. If you practice radical honesty, then your window is crystal clear with the drapes pulled all the way open.

However, you might object that radical honesty can sometimes be harmful, like when Louis C.K. inadvertently told his 5-year-old daughter that the sun is going to explode and everyone is eventually going to die. There’s a time and a place for everything.

Furthermore, just because you’re honest doesn’t inherently make you a better person. Even if your window is crystal clear, what’s on the other side of the window matters too.

Having a slightly dirty window with a beautiful landscape behind it might be better than having a crystal clear window with a desolate wasteland of bones and corpses on the other side. Or maybe you’re going for that presentation. So far this is not prescriptive, but, rather, merely descriptive.

However, if you have no idea how best to communicate or present yourself, here is my recommendation:

  1. Clean your window.
  2. Create your landscape.
  3. Adjust the presentation.

Cleaning Your Window

The first step is to clean your window. Basically, learn how to be as transparent with people as possible. This is going to be difficult at first and you might alienate some people, but this will at least give you a realistic picture of who you are and what people truly think of you. Moreover, people will respect you for your honesty, and, if they do like you, then it’s for your authentic self.

So how do you be transparent? Answer: calibrate your ego.

By ego, I mean our self-perception of ourselves.

We often think about how something we are about to say is going to be taken by the other person, or what the other person thinks of us. Thus, we take something the other person says and think about how we can use that to talk about ourselves.

Sometimes this is good, but oftentimes we use it as an excuse to brag.

Furthermore, the moment we store comments in our head instead of letting go, we stop listening. Our ego often disallows us from being present and engaged in a conversation. We often want to micromanage our self-image that we’ll tell white lies about our work and how much money we make in order to preserve that image.

We’re afraid of what people will think if they find out who the “real you” is.

As a dating coach, guys often ask me, “but if I just ‘be myself,’ won’t girls dislike me because I’m a needy loser?”

Honestly, the answer is “yes,” but not permanently.

The next question is, how do you calibrate your ego?

The answer: put yourself into high pressure social situations and navigate your way through them.

By putting yourself into a high pressure situation, you will experience emotional resistance and anxiety. Consequently, if you are able to act in spite of these emotions, you will gradually become more desensitized to social pressure. When this happens, you will feel more at ease in a wider array of social situations.

Furthermore, confidence comes from your trust in your ability to deal with the unknown rather than knowing how to deal with every possible scenario.

Over time, when you calibrate your ego, you will realize that other people’s perceptions of you doesn’t matter as much as you think. You will let go of your need to keep every interaction pleasant and non-confrontational. When this happens, you will become transparent and honest.

So once you practice transparency and honesty, we can move to the next step…

Create Your Landscape

When you get a clear picture of who you actually are once you’ve cleaned your window, you can begin to work on yourself and sculpt who you want to become and the life you want to live. This is easier said than done though.

This is often a long, painstaking but important journey that one must embark on. But once that person comes out the other side, they often find themselves comfortable with their newfound identity.

The truth is that their identity was always there, but they just never really saw it or sorted it out for themselves.

Once this happens, then people will gravitate towards them and they can begin living the life they want.

The way to do this is to work on yourself internally independent of social situations. You can work on yourself physically by working out and spiritually through yoga and meditation.

Nevertheless, they might find that people that they meet often find them overwhelming due to the honesty. This is why it’s important to be empathetic and follow the third step…

Adjust Your Presentation

By adjusting your presentation, you can calibrate the way you present yourself to others at a pace that is comfortable for them.

Do you remember your mom ripping open the drapes to wake you up before school? Sometimes you don’t want to see the glorious radiance of the sun peering through a crystal clear window when you aren’t ready for it.

For example, I’ve seen some guys take the advice of being radically honest to mean that they should talk about their parents’ divorce 20 seconds into the conversation.

I’m not saying this is wrong; in fact, this might even be appropriate in some contexts. Just recognize where the other person is at, understand what their response is most likely to be, and act accordingly.

And I’m not saying to not say something simply because the other person would walk away.

Sometimes you want to alienate certain people because you’re looking to connect with a certain type of person. In fact, I’ve seen some guys use this as a strategy to quickly find the small sliver of the population who they deeply connect with.

But I am discouraging guys from blindly going into social interactions without any sort of awareness of how their words affect the people they’re talking to. Learn to read and react.

A lot of guys I see at a nightclub are shocking or polarizing because they think that that will get a girl’s attention which will somehow translate into attraction. That’s simply not true.

Yes, it’s true that a provocative man who communicates in a polarizing way often does get him to stand out among the average dude at the bar, but he’s not communicating in this way just to get girls to pay attention to him or like him.

Thus, when it comes to dating and communication in general, bear in mind window theory. Remember to be aware of the cleanliness of your window, the beauty of your landscape, and your overall decor and presentation.

How to Shape Your Life Into a Masterpiece

Most of us hate arrogant people.

We hate guys who are cocky, that constantly boast about their accomplishments and abilities. We hate people who look down on others because they think that they’re better than them.

Most of us would agree that too much ego is a problem.

So what is the solution? How do we get rid of our egos?

Actually, the solution isn’t to destroy our egos, but, rather use it to our advantage.

Let me explain.

Imagine an amorphous slab of clay.

That’s your ego.

It’s misshapen, uncontrolled, and unpredictable.

For the most part, you might be calm under duress, but sometimes you get triggered by the smallest quirks or details, and you never know when it’s going to come.

Maybe someone makes a joking remark about your weight, and, even though you have an average BMI, maybe you were overweight when you were younger. Then the comment triggers those playground teases of “fatso” and “heavy Kevy.” No one sees it coming, including yourself, but all of the sudden you unleash your wrath upon the unsuspecting commenter…

“Wow, you’re getting two cheeseburgers? That should be good for your waistline…”

“Maybe you should mind your own business,” you reply with malicious sarcasm.

“I was only kidding…” your friend replies.

“Yeah, ok…so how’s it going with that job search of yours?” you reply with the clear intention of bringing up your friend’s recent unemployment.

“Seriously?! I was just joking…”

A simple comment quickly turns into a verbal crossfire, and it seemed to blindside the both of you.

Let’s look at it from an ego perspective.

Let’s define ego as the way you perceive yourself, which is based on the way you think other people perceive you and the way you perceive yourself.

Our collection of life experiences forms this substrate of belief.

So those playground teases are building blocks in the edifice of your identity.

Knowing this, we can reshape our identity.

How?

By working the clay.

By fully reflecting on your past experiences and, especially, your emotionally traumatic experiences, you can begin to release from them. The first step is acknowledgment, and the second step is to relive those experiences.

The third step is to find a way to release the emotions associated with each experience. There are multiple ways of doing this. Some write out their stream of consciousness on paper, others take it out physically by taking up boxing or hitting couches with baseball bats (yes, this is actually a technique used in cognitive behavioral therapy), and others use guided meditations and subconscious releases to allow these feelings to be released from them.

Each of these are viable methods. You can do one or all of them, as long as you find what works for you.

The process of working through these emotions is like wetting and kneading the clay. You’re making it more malleable so that you can eventually form it into what you desire.

So once you’ve released from the emotions, then you can choose who you want to become and what values you want to have. It’s that simple.

For any video game nerds out there, it’s akin to choosing your virtual avatar when you first start playing an RPG game. You get to choose what role and attributes that you want to have.

Of course, in the game of life, some of these choices are limited because you inherit your race and most physical attributes.

However, you get to choose what you want to do, what skills you want to cultivate, and who you want to become.

And feel free to dream big. Most people who are uberly successful in life (think of the top 1%) have one trait in common–they’re all big dreamers.

Elon Musk wanted to go to space, Steve Jobs had a vision for revolutionizing technology, Bill Gates had the foresight to see the power of computers, and so on.

The difference between an experienced artist and a layperson is that the artist sees the world differently. They pay attention to detail and are patient with their work.

Likewise, successful people see the world differently. Everything is viewed from the lens of “how do my actions and my environment contribute to my dream? What actions can I take to bring that dream into reality?”

Then they go to work. Like the potter, they reshape the clay. They let it spin and make micro-adjustments to eventually create a masterpiece.

But it takes time. It takes patience. And it takes the willingness to cultivate refined skills and attention to painstaking detail in order to create a work of art.

That slab of clay that you’ve worked into art is you reshaping your identity and your ego. Once you let go of your emotional resistance holding you back from pursuing your ideal life, you can start to create it.

A Scientific Formula for Happiness

How do we be happy?

Such a prevalent question across all of humankind.

And there are so many layers to the question. Is it just happiness that we want? Or is that too superficial? Maybe we’re searching for a deeper meaning?

And what is happiness in the first place? Is it a feeling or is it something deeper than just pleasure?

Because if happiness was just pleasure, then it seems that drugs, sex, and alcohol are the answer, but something about that answer feels deeply unsatisfying…

From a scientific perspective, we can turn to our hormones for clues as to what makes us feel happy. Not just ephemerally happy, but also fulfilled.

Here is the formula:

Endorphins + Dopamine + Serotonin + Oxytocin = Happiness.

By breaking down the purpose of each of these chemicals, we can understand from an evolutionary perspective what makes us feel naturally happy and fulfilled.

Let’s dive into what each of these hormones do, then we’ll translate this equation into simple English.

Endorphins

Endorphins come into play during rigorous exercise and sex. When your body goes from an aerobic state to an anaerobic state, basically when you’ve used up your already existing oxygen supply in your body, your body has to become more efficient and find a way to keep going. It does this by suppressing the pain through endorphin release.

So ingredient #1: rigorous regular exercise.

Dopamine

Dopamine is the “motivation chemical.” It’s a reward hormone that motivates people to accomplish tangible goals and to stay focused on the task at hand. From an evolutionary perspective, this is essential for getting things done. Without dopamine, primitive humans wouldn’t be motivated to forage for food, hunt, gather, and take care of tasks that need to get done for survival.

There are a plethora of ways to increase your dopamine levels, in particular: meditation, exercise, spending time in sunlight, listening to music, physical touch, eating, drinking, having sex, making money…

But the most important and primary way is by achieving your goals.

And the only way you’ll be motivated to pursue these goals is if they are tangible.

The way to make your goals tangible is by being able to physically see them.

Here’s an example. Let’s say that your goal is to buy a Ferrari. The more tangible you make this goal, the more attainable it is. Most people dream about their goals, some write them down, but the people who are most likely to achieve this goal are the ones who go to the Ferrari dealership everyday and see and touch the car they’re going to buy.

Before becoming a successful actor, Jim Carrey used to go to the homes in the Hollywood Hills and imagine himself living in that neighborhood. By physically going to the neighborhood and walking the streets, he turned his dreams into goals. And eventually it became his reality.

However, dopamine can also be a dangerous chemical if you become addicted to it. Drugs, alcohol, smoking, sugar, fast food, and technology are common ways people become addicted to dopamine.

Nearly everyone in today’s society can’t go an entire day, let alone an entire hour, without checking their phones. Every time you check your phone and see a new text message, you’re getting a dopamine hit.

Thus, you have to maintain balance when it comes to dopamine. Let it motivate you towards your fulfilling goals, but don’t allow it’s pleasurable feeling to govern your life.

So here’s ingredient #2: Make your goals tangible and achieve them.

A quick side note: when I say to make your goals tangible, I don’t mean aim lower. You want to dream big and aim high. But make sure that you visualize the outcome regularly and take steps to bridge the gap between your imagination and reality. Visit the home you want to buy, the car you want to have, and the place you want to work at.

Serotonin

Serotonin is the leadership chemical. It brings us a sense of pride, self-esteem, and connection with others. People who have higher levels of serotonin are more resourceful, have more confidence in themselves, and connect with other people more easily.

The main way to increase serotonin levels is to increase tryptophan in your diet. Basically, eating low glycemic index carbs, such as brown rice and whole grains, and eating poultry, eggs, and fish. Increasing your insulin sensitivity through eating a more natural and less processed diet with less sugar will also improve your serotonin levels. Furthermore, better sleep, exercise, meditation, sunlight, and massages will increase serotonin too.

But the primary crucial aspect for maintaining your serotonin levels in the long-term is through creating a sense of belonging and purpose in your life by either belonging to or leading a tribe or movement. If you have a job that gives you a sense of meaning and your role in your work boosts your self-esteem, then you are raising your serotonin levels.

As Simon Sinek explains, this is why we have graduation ceremonies rather than just emailing each of the students their diplomas on graduation day. Bringing loved ones and important people together to celebrate achievement raises your serotonin, and, consequently, raises your self-esteem.

It unifies a group of people who have struggled through challenges and have collectively achieved something and turns them into a tribe.

Ingredient #3: Be part of a tribe and have a meaningful role in it.

Side note: When I say “meaningful role,” it has to be meaningful for you. If you strived for something or joined a team because you thought it would impress others, then you won’t have that same sense of fulfillment as being part of a team which you feel authentically connected to.

Oxytocin

Oxytocin is the love chemical. Oxytocin is released when you cuddle with or hug someone, when you’re vulnerable with someone, and when you do altruistic and charitable acts. From an evolutionary perspective, oxytocin encourages collusion, collaboration, and bonds humans with one another.

This also ensures that a female will be bonded with the male she mates with, then with her children she gives birth to.

However, oxytocin also is released when you act kindly towards others. And you get an oxytocin hit even when you just observe a charitable act.

Ingredient #4: Have close bonds with friends and family and treat others with kindness.

When looking at commonalities between the factors that raise these hormone levels in particular, there are some common activities or things you can do to maintain a high level of happiness, which include sex, physical touch, spending time outside, and meditation.

Ultimately, generalizing these principles, we can distill these ingredients into four core tenets for a happy life:

  1. Physical health.
  2. Having goals to aspire towards, making them tangible and taking action on them.
  3. A sense of belonging and purpose which can be attained through work, sports and
    hobbies.
  4. Close connection with others based from love and kindness.

Health + Ambition + Self-Esteem + Love = Happiness.

I also provide a guide for my 5 steps for living an inspired life here.

The Most Pernicious Problem in Society Today…

Black and white thinking.

Have you ever used the term “climate change” then found yourself neck deep in an argument about the existence of God and evolution 10 minutes later?

Why does this happen?

99.9% of the population views the world in black and white terms.

It’s you versus them, and you have to pick which team to be on.

The most common examples are science versus religion, Republican versus Democrat, pro-Trump or anti-Trump.

But both sides commit the same fallacy–black and white thinking.

What does this mean?

The most common example is scientific thinking.

Religious believers are often viewed as uneducated and dogmatic people who mindlessly believe in unprovable propositions. Scientists often view these people as intellectually inferior to them because they don’t believe in obvious facts that are backed by mathematics and rationality.

But scientists are hypocrites.

Let me explain.

There are two primary reasons why scientists consider their knowledge to be superior to the dogmas of others: 1) physical evidence that can be corroborated through sense experience and 2) numbers and statistics that can support rational arguments.

Both are misleading ideas.

Consider experimental science and the Cartesian scientific method. This method relies on an inductive argument that examines an alternative hypothesis to a preexisting claim and examines whether the data indicate that the alternative hypothesis deviates from the original proposition in a statistically significant way.

Another way to think of this inductive reasoning is to consider the following example: Since the sun has risen everyday since your existence, it will necessarily rise tomorrow.

Or because you’ve only seen white swans throughout your life, there does not exist any black swans.

Although the inductive method is useful in understanding trends and patterns in the world, it is not a sufficient way to establish absolute truths (i.e. facts).

Now let’s consider theoretical science. Scientists believe that because their arguments are supported by statistics, mathematics, and logic, that their beliefs are absolute facts.

This is simply not true.

When you trace mathematics to its most generalized and abstracted form, topology, you can reduce mathematics and set theory to its most elementary axioms.

In fact, you can trace it back to the well-ordering principle.

But in order to prove the well-ordering principle, you need the axiom of choice.

The axiom of choice states that given an arbitrary collection of sets, one can construct a new set containing an element from each set in the original collection.

Although it might seem intuitive, it’s not provable. Thus, even the foundations of mathematics are built upon intuition and faith.

Although the study of mathematics is a beautiful and enjoyable endeavor, it does not produce absolute truths. It’s more of an art than a science.

Scientists typically believe that their paradigm of viewing the world consists of provable and unrefutable facts, but this is an intellectually arrogant point of view.

To think that their body of knowledge is somehow superior to that of anyone else simply because they rely on numbers, logic, and rationality is misguided.

As a whole, human beings place too much faith on their sense-based faculties and rationality, thinking that reason will allow us to see the ultimate truth. It gives us a false sense of control.

Instead of just saying that we believe in something because it resonates with us, we want to support our beliefs with a logically consistent and sound web of facts. But, ultimately, all systems of logic boil down to pure intuition and raw faith.

I’m not saying that science isn’t useful; in fact, it’s incredibly useful. But to think that it’s anything beyond a tool for seeing patterns in the world is placing too much importance on it. It should be considered an instrument, not the sole cornerstone for one’s belief system.

Most scientists don’t think critically about where their beliefs actually come from, and they aren’t humble enough to admit that their core foundational tenets are just as faith-based as religion.

They think that simply because they have mathematics, statistics, and physical corroboration supporting their claims that their methods are superior for understanding and that their conclusions are closer to the “ultimate truth.”

However, there is no objective “ultimate truth.” When I say “truth,” I don’t imagine some objective substrate of truth that demands the same ubiquitous interpretation for everyone across the board.

Instead, I imagine truth as a mountain. We are all trekking up the mountain taking different paths. Some of us take the religious path, and others take a scientific route. And yet others take a spiritual, more agnostic journey. The journey itself is the truth. We are all traveling up the mountain and exploring our own unique “truths.”

And we aren’t just restricted to two paths. Sure, there are paths that are more well-traveled than others, but we’re always free to pave our own routes.

To admonish others for taking a certain route, to create an adversarial mentality of black and white thinking, and to assume that your route is superior is intellectually immature.

We’re all paving our own truths, and no truth is superior to any other.

So instead of having to take sides, think about the truth that you are following, why you’ve chosen that path, and be willing to explore other paths as well.

Recognize that listening to your soul is just as important as listening to your rational mind.

There are so many people in today’s society who have lost touch with their inner dialogue because they are constantly focused on defending their egos from others with rational arguments. This restricts one’s vision from seeing the other paths.

When you’re willing to admit that, at the end of the day, we’re all struggling up the mountain to figure out our own truths, then your humility will allow you traverse a greater part of the mountain.

Socrates himself admitted, “I know one thing; that I know nothing.”

When you question others on why they’ve chosen their paths, don’t just compartmentalize them into “that type of person.” Instead, explore their perspective too.

Come to understand their journey and path as well and allow that to shape your journey. In doing so, you will enrich your own journey and the overall landscape of truth.

Why Leaving a Legacy is Overrated: How to Actually Be Happy

how to be happy

When my father passed away, my life changed.

I had multiple realizations that shifted my attitude towards life.

The cliche ones were certainly there: Life is short; you never know when you’re going to die, so you better make the most of it, etc.

But the biggest realization that I had is the most shocking.

It takes about two weeks until people move on.

When he passed away, the week of his service was chaotic. He was very influential in his community and was the most loved teacher at the school he taught at, and I don’t just say that because he was my stepdad. He won a Teacher of the Year award his second year, which was unprecedented, but the more telling sign was that his classroom would be the hangout spot for students when the bell rang.

He would weave stories about his travels together with the latest gossip about the Kardashian family. He was as knowledgeable about medieval Europe as he was about pop culture. He was the “cool” teacher.

Nevertheless, after his funeral a week following his death, people still sent their condolences, but I could tell that the mourning was coming to a halt. At the end of the second week, the mourning period was over.

That’s when I realized how little of a sentimental impact death has on people’s lives. Feelings of sadness are steadily replaced by day-to-day activities and the busyness of daily life.

When I realized that people don’t really care about your life, this was the most liberating idea for me.

I realized that we are insignificant beings in a grand universe, and that’s OK.

I realized that other people’s judgments and expectations of us bear little importance on our lives.

I realized that there is no objective meaning or metric to a “good” or “successful” life.

So many of us are desperate to give our lives meaning, but, ultimately, that doesn’t really matter.

When you die, your expectation of sentiment is much higher than the reality.

And once you come to accept how small and insignificant you are in the universe and allow this notion to humble you, then you allow yourself the chance to be happy without ego and relying on anything external for your happiness.

If you’re able to be happy when everything is stripped away (i.e. money, relationships, exercise, etc), then you attain true internal fulfillment.

This is only attainable if you are egoless and present.

However, in this state where you don’t need anything or anyone to be happy, this is when you begin living a life of pure inspiration and gratitude.

Everything that you do is done out of pure desire, not expectation or obligation. You aren’t talking to someone with the expectation of trying to get something from them.

Instead, whenever you receive a dollar, meet a new potential partner, finish an energizing workout, everything is a bonus because you’d be happy without any of those things.

Thus, you receive without expectation and with pure gratitude. You’re truly thankful because these things that you’re receiving are unexpected bonuses.

Furthermore, whenever you talk to someone, you’re purely giving value because you aren’t obligated or expected to talk to that person. Instead, since you’re already internally fulfilled, you aren’t seeking a certain reaction or response from them that will make you happy. Instead, you’re just socializing out of pure inspiration and desire.

So in order to live a truly inspired life, accept the fact that no one cares about whether your life has meaning–then experience the freedom to create meaning for yourself.

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Why Half Full Thinking is Dangerous

Glass Half Full

Dear Half Full Thinkers,

Half full thinking is dangerous.

In fact, half full thinkers are worse off than half empty thinkers.

Why?

Because half full people are living in denial. They are people pleasers. They are “Yes Men” and “Yes Women”. They are polite and proper at dinner, don’t rock the boat, and are generally pleasant to hang out with.

Fuck that.

If you’re being nice or pleasant and are always looking at the bright side of things without acknowledging the negativity in the world that we live in, then you’re living in denial.

So you’re saying we should be half empty thinkers?

Of course not.

Of course people who are negative and are always looking at the bad side of things brings everyone else down around them and bad things happen to them as a result.

So why do you claim that half empty thinkers are better off than half full thinkers?

Because at least half empty thinkers aren’t living in denial. At least people are constantly throwing in their face that they’re being negative and need to change their behavior and mentality. At least people make them consciously aware that they have an issue and need to fix it.

Half full thinkers don’t have that accountability. Half full thinkers can live their entire lives without laying down boundaries with people, avoiding conflict, and not asserting what they want without disturbing the peace. It’s socially acceptable to be a half full thinker who is blind to the negativity in the world.

So what do you suggest–that we just give up?

No.

What I’m suggesting is to look at the whole glass and accept it. Be realistic. See that the glass is equally half empty and half full and realize that that’s just how life is.

Half full thinkers refuse to see the whole glass. By blinding themselves to the half empty part, they postpone the acceptance of loss, separation, and death. What they don’t realize is that the true key to fulfillment is in acceptance then detachment.

Think of someone who has stage 4 cancer and is told that they will die within the week. Suddenly, that person has to deal with the reality of death, and they can either choose to accept it or live in denial.

A half full thinker postpones this thought process until they’re on their deathbed, and until the doctor utters the prognosis. Even then, the half full thinker may never accept those words. They’ll deny that death will happen to them. Somehow, they think that they’re more special than the rest of the universe and that they transcend the nature of death.

This is the ego speaking.

The ego tells you that you are special. The ego tells you that you will leave a legacy. The ego tells you that you have too much to live for to die.

But the ego is an illusion.

Ultimately, everyone is part of something greater. We’re part of the universe and the universe is a part of us.

Yes, the universe is amazing and nature is beautiful and it’s incredible how lucky we are to be existing on the earth, but at the same time, we’re also a part of a world where humans are destroying nature, humans are enslaving other humans, and humans are killing other humans.

And we have to accept this.

Once we release from our ego and accept the world for what it is and embrace reality, then we can let go.

Realize that once we die, there is nothing.

Religious believers will argue that there is an afterlife and to think that there isn’t is wrong.

Yes it is, and no it isn’t.

It’s right to the religious believer, but it’s not wrong to someone who doesn’t believe in an afterlife. Life has the meaning you give to it.

Here is my point…

Let’s imagine there is a cup, and the cup represents you. As you pour water into the cup, you feel more “happy,” “fulfilled,” and “right,” by your definitions of the words. You eventually pour water into the cup so that 50% of the cup is filled.

In this worldview, if the water fills 100% of the cup, you’ve attained complete happiness and fulfillment in your life. For most people, that’s the end game.

I’m here to tell you that in the pursuit of filling your cup, you’ll realize that it can never be filled completely.

It can never be filled completely because there will always be negative external factors that prevent you from continuing until 100%.

So how do we achieve fulfillment?

Take the cup away.

“What?”

Take the cup away. Go back up a few paragraphs when I said “the cup represents you.” What I mean is the cup represents your ego. “You” don’t exist. You have a projection or image of yourself that you think exists, but your mind is fabricating this image in order to align your past and present.

You, the actual you not “you,” are part of the universe. “You” thinks that you are an independent, self-aware, rational being, but you’re actually just a part of everything else.

“You’re losing me…”

So go back to when I said to take the cup away. Imagine a sport or a hobby that you are proficient at and that you enjoy. When you are doing that sport or hobby, are you worried about what other people are thinking about you and your self image, or are you more concerned with doing the sport or activity? Are you self-conscious or are you in a flow state?

This example highlights the distinction between you and “you.” While doing the activity and in a flow state, you are focused on that activity, while “you” is absent. You is the part of the world that exists, while “you” is your own self-perceived identity and ego that is overly self-aware and self-conscious about its image.

Ok, so what about the cup?

So when you take the cup away, you’re becoming present. You take away “you.”

In detaching yourself from “you” and taking away the cup, you no longer have a cup to fill and are therefore already fulfilled. And this can only happen when you see both the half full and half empty parts of the cup.

Why?

Because when you’re looking just at the half full part of the cup, you aren’t seeing the half empty part, which means that you’re not seeing the whole cup. When you don’t see the entire cup, you don’t realize that the cup can just be taken away.

So what happens when you take the cup away?

You no longer feel the need for fulfillment. You’re no longer in the rat race for happiness.

Based on what happens in your life, the water will continue to flow. But instead of feeling the need to capture the water, you let it flow.

Enjoy the flow for what it is.

Once this happens, you live a life of inspiration. You live life inspired because all of your actions come from your true intentions and desires, not from a sense of obligation to pursue happiness and fulfillment.

What should half full thinkers do?

They shouldn’t do anything really. If I suggest a “right” course of action for them, then I’m imposing my value system onto theirs, which is distorting reality.

But if you mean, “what should half full thinkers do to live an inspired life?” then I can answer that question. Here’s my answer:

Wake up. Stop living in denial.

Realize that, yes, there is a half full part of the cup, but there is also a half empty part. Until you see the half empty part, you won’t see the whole cup. And until you see the entire cup, you won’t realize that you can simply take the cup away.

Once you take the cup away and accept death, and you realize that existence will end, the meaning that you give to life comes from inspiration, and you won’t take it so seriously.

People take life too seriously.

People focus on leaving a legacy or wanting people to “remember their name.”
But that’s just a bullshit way of trying to keep their ego in the world.

It’s fine to have this aspiration if it’s coming from inspiration; that is, if they’re doing it because that’s the game that they’ve chosen to play.

But they also have to remember that ultimately, it’s just a game.

Yes, they’re trying to win, but losing is also a very real possible outcome, but that’s ok too because at least they got to play the game.

Those that haven’t taken the cup away and are desperately trying to fill their cup are sore losers. In fact, they don’t even realize that they’re playing a game. Because they take life so seriously, this paralyzes them to take risks and to fuck with comfort. They allow societal pressure and their own self image to dictate their paradigm of the world. They have no choice.

When you take the cup away, you liberate yourself to pick which game you want to play, whether it’s the financial stability, white picket fence, loving wife, and three and a half kids game, or whether it’s the “I want to accumulate as much money and as many women as possible” game, you can pick which one you want to play.

You have the power to create your life.

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4 Simple Tips That Are Guaranteed to Turn Her On

how to make a girl want to have sex

“Well, it was nice meeting you!”

Seriously…again?! Why does every interaction with a girl end with a platonic goodbye?

Does it ever feel like every girl you talk to just wants to be your friend?  Or maybe she finds ways to politely excuse herself from the conversation?

Then you see your friend who is naturally good with women, and it seems like he knows exactly how to make a girl want to have sex with him…

Guys ask me regularly how to make a girl horny…

The key is to not give everything away right away. Instead of killing the moment by being too direct with your words, be direct with your actions and subtle with your words instead.

Show, don’t tell.

Here are some specific ways you can arouse a girl:

  1. Be emotionally engaging
  2. Tease
  3. Have a physical presence
  4. Know when to take the pressure off

Be emotionally engaging

Most guys are flat.

They don’t allow themselves to let loose, have fun, or be engaged when you’re talking to them.

This mostly comes from ego. Guys are afraid to risk tarnishing their image and making a fool of themselves, so they maintain a stern disposition in order to save face in social situations.

Girls, on the other hand, tend to have an easier time accessing the fun part of their personality. They don’t have the same expectation to be the strong, masculine, protective figure who is unreactive and shows little expression.

As a guy, if you are able to communicate in a way where you are free from feeling the need to maintain a certain image, you’ll become automatically more charismatic and engaging.

Consequently, she will experience a wider range of emotions because you are able to access that loose, less cognitive, and more present side of yourself.

And more emotional stimulation leads to more arousal. This is why make-up sex is so passionate.

Also, imagine watching a movie where all of the characters interact politely for 2 hours and there is no tension or conflict in the plotline whatsoever.  Would you find that film stimulating or engaging?

Probably not.

So how do you actually go about being more emotionally engaging?

Tease

One signal that you’re comfortable with loosening the grip on your ego and not caring so much about your image is teasing.

Think about it. People who tease are risking making the other person mad. But they’re doing it for the sake of having fun.

When animals play, it looks like they’re fighting. And humans are social creatures. Thus, teasing is the human version of play.

However, if you force your teasing for the sake of trying to make it seem like you’re a fun and/or emotionally provocative guy, then people will find it off-putting and insulting.

There’s a difference between a playful tease and a button-pushing tease.

And you can feel the difference in the energy.

If you tease, and it genuinely makes you laugh regardless of the other person’s reaction, then it’s playful. However, if you get frustrated when you don’t get the expected reaction, then it’s button-pushing.

The best way to cultivate the playfulness is to learn how to tease when there are no outcomes at stake. What I mean is, if you’re trying to talk to girls in a nightclub, start by talking to couples or girls who are clearly unavailable.

And the point isn’t to try to steal the girl away.

If you can have fun with a girl who you know you can’t hookup with, then you have the ability to generate the good emotions and playful energy within yourself. Oftentimes, when the outcome is unavailable, you start to bring your true personality out because you’re not just wanting sex or a number.

And this is how you become authentic.

Have a physical presence

If you ask guys how to turn a girl on, the most obvious first answer is “touch her.”  Most guys think that by being more physically aggressive with a girl, they will turn her on more.

Wrong.

There are so many guys in a nightclub who manhandle a girl in the hopes that she will be so aroused that she will want to take him home immediately.

In some situations, this does work, but typically only when she is drunk or already emotionally stimulated.

Arousal actually comes from the anticipation of physicality, not just the physicality itself.

If you’re comfortable with touching her or being close to her without being too nervous about it or overthinking it, then she’ll feel more comfortable around you.

It feels weird and creepy when you strategize different moves in order to get her “turned on.”

Instead, relax, have a good time, and don’t feel bad or ashamed when you touch her.

If you do feel ashamed, then explore where that anxiety is coming from.

Maybe you grew up in an overly conservative or religious household? Or maybe you had a traumatizing experience of getting rejected or chastised when you were younger…

Once you’re able to release from that anxiety, then touching will feel more natural for both you and her.

 

Know when to take the pressure off

A final factor to consider that most guys neglect is to take the pressure off when appropriate.

A lot of guys, especially in the nightclub, lay it on too thick.

If you’re constantly pushing your agenda of hooking up the whole time, she will begin to lose interest because you’ve killed any possibility for mystery or intrigue.  If she clearly knows that you want to hook up with her or impress her, then she won’t feel any desire to pursue you.

Consequently, if you keep making out with her in the club or touching her excessively, she won’t feel the need to continue talking to you or to ever see you again when the night ends.

As a general rule, if you’ve already kissed her or touched her in a certain way, refrain from doing that until you’re in the bedroom.  Making out excessively in the club is tacky anyway.

Most guys tend to show all of their intent up front.  If you show all of your intent immediately, then you’ve killed the tension and fun of it, she knows she has you, and she’ll quickly lose interest.

Once you’ve taken her home, you shouldn’t be the one constantly pushing for sex.  If she’s not craving your touch by the end of the night, then you were most likely too aggressive or obvious with your intent.

So, don’t make the mistake of trying to touch her more or trying to constantly talk sexually while in the nightclub.  Instead, remember to be emotionally engaging, tease, have a physical presence, and know when to take the pressure off.  Then she’ll be craving you by the end of the night.

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What to Say to a Girl You Like

sweet things to say to a girl

“I’m Mark by the way,” you introduce yourself after a couple minutes of introductory conversation.

“Clara, nice to meet you,” she responds amiably.

“So where did you say you were from again?”

“You already asked me that…” Clara responds, slightly annoyed.

“Oh yeah, San Francisco right?”

“Yes…”

“Oh, that’s cool. This place is pretty crazy right? A lot of people here,” you observe, glancing around the crowded bar.

“Yeah, I guess so…”

“Cool…”

“Well, it was nice meeting you…” Clara says dismissively.

“Yeah, you too…” you say dejectedly.

Why is it so difficult to have an interesting conversation?

It seems to go decently for the first couple of minutes, then it feels like a sinking ship, like I’m scrambling to find something to grasp on to…

Have you ever felt this way? If so, you are not alone. For most guys, their minds run rampant with ideas of sweet things to say to a girl before approaching her. It might go well at the start, but then it quickly goes south. He runs out of things to say, and the conversation becomes stale.

Although there are some guys gifted with natural verbal acuity, most guys don’t know how to keep a conversation going with a girl. They might be able to introduce themselves and ask a few “getting to know you” questions, only to hear the words “well, it was nice to meet you” as she quickly gathers her belongings and heads for the nearest exit.

For most guys, if they knew how to talk to girls with some charisma and intrigue, they would have a much more robust dating life. But, simply put, most guys don’t know what to talk about with a girl, which severely limits their options.

So if you want to know what to say to a girl you like and how to talk to women in general, keep reading.

Here is a simple process that can help you understand how to talk to girls:

  1. Be emotionally relevant
  2. Talk about her
  3. Talk about you and her together
  4. Relax and enjoy the conversation!

Most guys walk up to a girl in a social venue and will immediately talk in a way that is not engaging for her at all. A man who is good with women can be given any topic and still make it an interesting and fun conversation. The key to become engaging with women, and people in general, is to make the conversation emotionally relevant for the person you’re talking to.

How to Make the Conversation Emotionally Relevant

In order to make a conversation relevant to her, you have to talk about yourself, her, and the both of you together.

Most guys make the mistake of framing the conversation objectively: that is, they’ll talk about the weather, politics, the club, the DJ, etc. They forget to talk about the two most important subjects, himself and her!

So how do you go about doing this?

  • Show, don’t tell.  Share about your experiences in life, but do so with a sense of humor. Feel free to be irreverent.
    For example, I enjoy humor about race, and since I’m Asian, I typically tell her that I live up to most stereotypes: I majored in math, I played Starcraft growing up, I totaled my car a few years ago, my favorite food is dog, and so on.

    In this example, I’m sharing actual experiences from my life, i.e. what I studied in college and my hobbies, but while maintaining a sense of humor. Thus, she can get to know you and your personality.

    Also, don’t be afraid to be politically incorrect. It’s best to find out early on if she will get along with you if you share the most abrasive parts of your personality and most controversial plot points of your life first. A girl might not always like you, but she will always respect you for your honesty and shamelessness.

    Also, by being so open, there will be less pressure on her to maintain the facade of properness and politeness that tends to drive her to boredom.

  • Talk about her. This is the key to making any conversation with a girl, or whomever you are talking to, more interesting. Instead of talking about how good the DJ is or how expensive the drinks are at the bar, say things in a way that are relevant to her. You can still talk about these subjects, but frame them differently: “This DJ is so ratchet, almost as ratchet as you.” “These drinks are so expensive. Finally a bar that can live up to your bougie standards.” You can tell that these statements are a lot more interesting than just making generic comments about tangential topics.

    Cold Reads
    You can also make cold reads instead of launching into an FBI interrogation. A cold read is an assumptive statement. For example: “Judging by your long cocktail dress, you must be from Manhattan.” Or you can ask a presumptuous question: “So how many hipsters did you have to kill for that flannel shirt?”

    Overall, instead of asking open-ended, generic interview questions like “where are you from,” “what do you do,” etc. take more risks and make more assumptions. Worst case, if you’re wrong, then you will add some tension into the interaction, which will make it more interesting. Ultimately, it is always better to have a confrontational yet engaging conversation than a boring and polite one.

  • Talk about you and the girl together. This is an important concept that most guys miss and will allow you to quickly connect with the person you’re talking to. Typically, most statements that include both you and her come in two forms: role plays and future projections.

    Role Plays
    A role play is a hypothetical scenario that both you and her take part in. For example, if she is talking about how she likes to work out, you can say, “cool, from now on, you are my personal trainer. Can you show me the proper form for a deadlift? How many calories should I be eating a day? Help me out before I get fat!”Now the conversation becomes more playful, and she will be more engaged. Moreover, it will set a frame that includes both you and her together.

    Future Projections
    A future projection is a hypothetical scenario where you talk about things that you will do with her in the future. The scenario can either be serious or ridiculous, but both work to facilitate cohesiveness between you and her.

    For example, for a serious future projection, you might be talking about the best cafes in your hometown, and you suggest that you should take her to Gogo’s Cafe in Torrance when she’s free next week. You can further elaborate by talking about your favorite milk tea that you usually order, the friendliness of the owner, and the quaint ambiance of the place.

    The more detailed the description, the more she can picture you and her together.

    However, the future projection doesn’t always have to be completely serious. Oftentimes, these are better because they make the conversation more fun, playful, and ridiculous.

    For example, you can tell her that at the end of the night, you plan on taking her to the nearest wedding chapel to elope, then flying to Paris to spend your honeymoon on the gardens of Champs Elyssee. Once again, the more elaborate the hypothetical, the better.

    A future projection can also be combined with a role play. Referring back to the personal trainer role play, you can say, “so we’re going to hit the gym early tomorrow morning right? 5:30 am? Make sure you remember to bring the green shake…” Overall, both role plays and future projections create a deeper connection between you and her in a way that is playful and entertaining.

The Importance of Vibe

A lot of guys will try to impress a girl with his words, when, in actuality, she is more attracted to a guy who is loose and has a playful and relaxed vibe.

Remember, show, don’t tell.

For example, imagine you’re walking down a popular tourist street, say Hollywood Boulevard. As you step across the multitude of celebrity stars, people dressed in costumes and people with brochures approach you:

“Sir, would you like to see a show tonight?”

“Sir, would you like a picture with us?”

“Sir, come check out some souvenirs!”

Typically, in each of these approaches, you sense that the person is trying to sell you something. You can simply hear it in their tonality that they have an intent beyond a mere pleasant conversation.

Likewise, a girl can hear sexual intent in your voice. She can tell whether you are just trying to sleep with her. She can hear in your voice whether you are trying to impress her or get a reaction out of her.

Consequently, this is unattractive because she feels as if she is simply being used. She feels like the guy doesn’t genuinely care about enjoying the conversation, but, rather, he has an ulterior motive to pick her up.

This is why girls say, “just be yourself” when they are giving dating advice to guys. The primary reason is because most guys are terrible at being present and enjoying the conversation for its own sake, and, instead, they come across as just trying to impress her in order to sleep with her.

However, when you are first talking to someone you’ve just met, building rapport will often yield negative results. This is because you will most likely “try for rapport”: that is, you will be trying to get some sort of reaction out of the person you are conversing with, and it will come across in your vibe. Remember that if you’re not enjoying the conversation, then she won’t either.

Remember to Enjoy the Conversation!

Therefore, lastly and most importantly, relax and actually enjoy the conversation! Don’t try too hard to impress her or to be too witty when you’re talking to a girl. It’s better to be obvious than too clever. When you try to be clever or when you try to impress her, you will sound like you’re handing out brochures on the street.

There you have it. So the next time you go to the bar and see your dream girl, remember to scrap the interview mode to begin the conversation, and, instead, make yourself emotionally relatable and flaunt your playful personality. Find a way to stand out, and you’re ahead of the game.

However, in order to attract a woman, getting her engaged and interested in a conversation is only the first step. You also must be able to turn her on. If you want to learn how to make a girl horny, check out the next article.

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How to Approach a Girl You Don’t Know

how to approach a girl for first time

You walk into your favorite watering hole and roll up to the bar.

“The usual?” an upbeat, familiar voice from behind the bar inquires expectantly.

“You know it.”

A few seconds later, the bartender slides you your standard drink that you crave as soon as you clock out.

Suddenly, your stomach lurches. A wave of excitement and anxiety hits you simultaneously. You look to your right and admire the raw aesthetic beauty of the woman sitting next to you.

You glance over gingerly, just subtly enough to catch a glimpse but not obviously enough to warrant her attention. Her head turns slightly, but you’re not entirely sure whether she’s noticed you yet.

She’s gorgeous…introduce yourself.

For a moment, you feel the exhilaration surge through your veins. The sight of her voluptuous womanly figure excites you and the scent of her feminine perfume makes your head spin.

But as you begin to speak, the air constricts in your throat. You begin to feel warm as a thin layer of warm perspiration forms on your palms. It’s as if you’ve lost all linguistic knowledge and you’re now relegated to merely peering about the bar.

Just ask her how she is…

Or ask her where she’s from…

Just say ANYTHING…

Have you ever seen a beautiful woman and wanted to talk to her, but you were just too nervous? Maybe you wouldn’t be so nervous if you knew what to say when approaching a girl.

If you knew how to start a conversation with a girl, then you would know how to meet girls on a daily basis as you’re going about your day.

Imagine how much richer your dating life would be if you knew how to approach a girl in public. You would be able to talk to the woman at the bar or at the coffee shop that you’ve been meaning to start a conversation with, but you just didn’t know how.

In this article, I will show you what to say to a girl you just met so that you will know how to meet women in your daily life.

Here are the steps of how to approach a girl you don’t know:

  1. Clear your mind
  2. Start moving your feet
  3. Make an observation
  4. Break rapport
  5. Give value

Clearing your mind

Before you even approach a girl, you should relax and clear your mind before doubting thoughts flood your brain. After a few seconds of seeing a beautiful girl and contemplating approaching her, your thoughts will gradually become excuses as to why you shouldn’t talk to her.

People will think I’m weird…

I don’t want to interrupt what she’s doing…

I don’t want to be rude…

I don’t want to embarrass her…

The first step is to empty your mind.

Don’t get stuck in your own head about the perfect opening line and thinking about what others in the immediate surrounding area will think of your actions. Just relax and take action.

Start moving your feet

This brings me to my second point. When you see a girl who you want to meet, immediately take steps in her direction. Immediate action-taking will allow you to dive into conversation without allowing limiting beliefs or self-conscious thoughts to commandeer your brain.

You might think, “I don’t know what to say…” That’s perfect! The more spontaneous and unplanned the things you say, the better. She can feel that you are being present. If you are too mechanical, then it comes off as creepy, like you have a hidden agenda.

The key is to be comfortable with the unknown. Confidence comes from feeling like you can handle any situation, any response, and any outcome. It’s not from memorizing a line for every possible response that might be thrown your way.

Don’t prepare for socializing like a history test. Instead, embrace that you can’t always predict the other person’s response or personality, but you can work with whatever comes up.

Whatever happens, you can deal with it with composure.

Make an observation

The easiest thing to say when approaching a girl is just commenting on her or what’s around you. Don’t try to be too clever, just be obvious.

So many guys try so hard to make a witty comment, but then she can feel that it’s not organic and the guy is just trying to get a reaction out of her. If, instead, you freely express a simple statement or observation, she will feel less pressure and will be much more likely to engage with you.

If clever, witty comments come to you with ease, then it’s totally fine to express these thoughts. However, just bear in mind that the best thing to do is just to say whatever pops into your brain when you walk towards her.

Break Rapport

Someone breaks rapport when they say or do something that risks comfort with the person you’re talking to and breaks out of the normal pattern of conversation. Nevertheless, this pattern interrupt causes the person with whom you are talking to become more interested in what you are saying.

For example, let’s say you ask a girl:

“Where are you from?”

“New York.”

“Oh, cool. What do you do?”

“I’m an accountant.”

“Oh that’s interesting. How old are you?”

“26…”

“Nice…”

You can tell that this string of interrogatory questions is not going anywhere and is boring for both you and her.

Now, instead, imagine you ask, “where are you from?” She says, “New York,” and instead, you reply, “seriously?! I don’t believe you!”

This is an unexpected response.

But, as a result, it also clearly captures her attention immediately and is adding value to the conversation. It is adding value in the sense that it is creating exciting material to work with and is making the conversation interesting.

Furthermore, you can also provide value after a question. Let say you ask, “where are you from?” If she replies, “Los Angeles,” you could say, “I could see that. You look like the type of girl to indulge in green smoothies and bikram yoga…” Clearly, this is more interesting than just saying, “oh nice” or “that’s cool.”

So to summarize breaking rapport, it means to say or do something that is surprising and unpredictable that interrupts a usual pattern at the risk of compromising comfort.

In essence, when you break rapport with a stranger, you are demonstrating that you are going to act on your own terms and don’t give a fuck about what others think of you.

Although not everyone will like you if you do this, nearly everyone will respect you. And, inevitably, when someone does like you, the connection will be more genuine and the attraction more potent.

Give value

A Typical (Boring) Approach

Imagine the average guy at the bar. Let’s call him Joe. Joe stands at the bar and sees a girl he fancies. He excuses himself from his friends and approaches her.

“Hello,” Joe says pleasantly.

“Hi,” the girl responds sheepishly, carefully gauging his intentions.

“How are you?”

“Fine thanks, you?”

“I’m doing alright. Where are you from?”

“California.”

“What part of California?”

“LA…”

“Cool. What do you do?”

“I’m a student.”

“Oh cool. What’s your major?”

“Psychology… My friends are waiting for me, I have to go. Nice meeting you!”

Does this sound familiar? For most guys, this is a typical interaction at the bar.

No matter how good looking Joe is, most women will walk away from him if he is this boring to talk to.

First of all, what’s wrong with what Joe did?

Consider the scenario from her perspective. A random patron of the bar approaches her and asks how she’s doing, where she’s from, and what she does.

Why should she feel obligated to answer this man’s questions?

Yes, he’s being friendly, but what value is he offering?

You might find this pleasant for the first few minutes, but, over time, these questions become predictable and old, especially if you are approached at the bar multiple times a night.

This is exactly what an attractive girl experiences on a daily basis.

Typically, an attractive girl is hit on multiple times throughout the day in subtle ways, such as these brief interrogatory interactions, and countless times throughout the week.

Thus, any “Joe” who walks up to her and has the same mundane conversation that is predictable and “builds rapport” (trying to get the other person to like you) will lose her interest quickly.

Especially with more attractive girls, a girl who receives the typically barrage of interview questions right off the bat will walk away quickly.

Now you may be wondering what I mean by “value.” What do you think of when I mention “value?” What are some examples of ways to provide value to someone you’ve just met?

A Value-Giving Approach

Instead imagine another person, let’s call him “Mike” who comes up to you and teases you on your shirt: “I guess the Goodwill is a good place to fill out your wardrobe…”

You’ll probably react in one of two ways at this comment. Either you will find it comical and laugh or you will find it extremely offensive. Either way, the person has stirred up an emotion in you, unlike Joe.

Why is the second approach more effective in eliciting attention?

Basically, everything you say either builds value or takes value from the person you are talking to. Considering the prior example, the reason Joe is so annoying to the girl, aside from the fact that he doesn’t differentiate himself from anyone else at the bar, is because he is taking value with every question.

Each question that you ask requires effort to answer, which can feel like a chore, unless you’ve given value beforehand. Consider this analogy:

Imagine you have a tennis ball and you’re playing fetch with a dog. You throw the ball, the dog chases after it, grabs it, and brings it back to you. Then the dog waits expectantly for the next toss.

At first, the game is fun for everyone because the dog’s enthusiasm is contagious. Nevertheless, after you’ve tossed the ball about 30 times, you begin to tire of the game.

Every time you ask a girl a question, you are expecting a response. You are like the dog bringing the ball to the girl waiting for her to throw it again. You want her to comply, but, after a while, it becomes a chore for her.

Now imagine that every time she goes to a bar, another random guy comes up to her and asks her the same predictable questions: how are you, where are you from, what do you do, etc.

Would you want to talk to that guy?

Every once in awhile, maybe if he’s really hot, you’d make an exception. But for the average guy at the bar, the typical “introductory interrogation” won’t get him anywhere.

Now imagine a different scenario. A guy at the bar walks up to you and cracks a joke:

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d think that ass belonged to Kim Kardashian! Damn!”

You can’t help but to laugh. His enthusiasm and self-amusement is contagious.

This approach is much better than the other mundane approach that would induce anyone into a coma. She wants to have fun, not undergo interrogation.

Why is this approach so much better than the first? Because this dude is bringing the party–with his wit, playful demeanor, and enthusiasm, you want to talk to him.

You might object that maybe all girls don’t like this kind of humor. You are absolutely right. Not every girl is going to like or understand your sense of humor. However, it is vitally important to put yourself out there during a conversation.

One challenging remark or joke can reveal more about your personality than a million tepid biographical questions.

So do you see the difference between the average guy at the bar and a guy who stands out with charisma? There is a reason that when girls are asked what they are looking for in a man, they often say “a sense of humor.”

Girls say this because a guy who can make her laugh is coming from a place of sharing his joy and is purely giving value.

A man who truly enjoys the banter and emotional connection during an interaction with a girl conveys his sincerity and authenticity; consequently, girls will find him attractive.

If you want more information about what to say to a girl you like, check out the next article where I discuss how to keep a conversation going with a girl in further detail.

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I Need a Girlfriend

i need a girlfriend

Quite often, I’ll encounter guys or close friends of mine who I can tell are unhappy. It’s clear that they feel like they are missing something. Then they tell me, “I need a girlfriend so badly.”

It’s not even because they aren’t cool, funny, or intelligent; in fact, usually the opposite is the case.

Some of my most financially successful and talented friends that would be the envy of most guys have admitted to me that they’ve never had a girlfriend before.

All they long for is someone to go out to dinner with, someone to take out on Valentine’s Day, someone to call when they are away, someone to cuddle with at night…

If you feel this way, then you are not alone.

A lot of times, guys are intimidated by the mere prospect of talking to a girl they don’t know. If you feel the same way, you should first learn how to approach a girl you don’t know before reading this article.

I used to feel the same way sometimes when I was growing up. I was quite shy, so it was difficult for meet people in general, let alone girls.

It’s natural for us, as guys, to long for a companion to connect with emotionally and physically. And if we are deprived of that need over an extended period of time, we start to get lonely.

I had friends, got good grades, played sports, and was talented in many facets of life, yet girls just didn’t seem to like me. I thought it must be the way I looked.

However, when one of my friends told me that you can learn to become better with women if you talk to enough of them. Before that, I never realized that attraction was a skill that can be learned.

Then I decided to dedicate the next 5 years of my life to learning how to become good with women.

I went out consistently in the hopes of finding a romantic connection with an amazing girl.

Although I could have a pleasant conversation and a decent time with a fair number of girls who went out, I quickly found that finding someone you connect with on a deeper level can be difficult.

Over time, I became jaded and disillusioned with the idea of trying to find an intimate relationship partner, especially in a bar or nightclub.

Then once I stopped trying, I suddenly started attracting girls who I was compatible with.

Why did this happen?

Because once I stopped trying so hard, I allowed myself to be more expressive, more honest, and stopped trying to win every girl’s approval.

Of course there were some girls that didn’t like me, but of the girls that did, we would get along incredibly well.

So don’t try to get every girl to like you. Basically, if you are fully honest and completely expressive, you will alienate girls who you don’t get along with.

If you’re trying to find someone that you connect with on a deeper level, keep these points in mind:

    1. Be open to sharing your insecurities, but not in an overly serious way.
      People respect honesty, yet rarely is anyone honest when they first meet someone. Typically, when two people are meeting for the first time, both parties tend to be stifled as they feel each other out.

      If, however, one is not afraid to talk about his own insecurities freely, then that stiff vibe tends to fade away. Usually people try to maintain some sort of image when they talk to people, so they withhold certain details from stories in order to make themselves look better.

      Instead, be the guy who stands out and is unafraid to talk about, let alone joke about, his insecurities. Ironically, if you’re willing to show your insecurities shamelessly, then that is confidence.

    2. Don’t be afraid to be abrasive with your humor. Don’t be afraid to be politically incorrect, and don’t censor yourself. Sometimes you are afraid of offending someone because you think that they will find your humor too vulgar or unsettling.

      Nevertheless, tell jokes and stories that you find truly amusing regardless of how racy or risque it might be.

      For example, I find jokes about race and ethinicity to be funny.

      Thus, oftentimes I’ll poke fun at myself for being a bad driver but making up for it with my math skills. If the girl doesn’t understand or appreciate your humor from the get-go, then she probably won’t appreciate it later on either. Might as well find out right away.

  1. Ask her questions that you actually care about. Think about what your values are and what you are looking for in life. Then think about how a girl fits into your ideal life. Why do you want a girlfriend in the first place?

    For example, one of my values is finding a girl who I can have adventures with.

    I’ll ask her, “do you like to travel?” From the way she answers the question, I can tell whether she’s the kind of person to want to explore different places and cultures, or if she would rather stay at home with a familiar life. There isn’t anything wrong with either answer, but I tend to get along with a girl who wants to see different places and experience various cultures. Even if she’s never been out of the country, I appreciate a girl who has the desire to travel.

    You can even take this principle to explore sexual compatibility as well. If you want a girl who is more sexually adventurous, you can ask her, “have you ever had a threesome before?” From the way she answers, you can quickly ascertain how adventurous or conservative she is sexually. If you’re looking for a one night stand, this is also a way to frame the interaction more sexually.

  2. Be willing to walk away. You need to set standards for what you want in a girl. Once you truly understand who you are and what your values are, knowing what type of girl you want should naturally follow.

    More importantly, you need to be willing to walk away if she doesn’t meet those standards. It’s ok to keep her as a friend, but don’t get trapped in the mindset of settling.

    Too many people settle with someone that they’re not compatible with just because it’s convenient and they’re lonely. Relationships should be reserved for a deeper intimate connection between two people.

    Ultimately, by following these principles, you will present yourself as a more confident man who knows exactly what he wants. Not only is this attractive, but in actually knowing your ideal type of girl, you will also find someone that you have chemistry with.

The Buyer’s Frame: Why Honesty is Attractive

These principles put you in the “buyer’s frame.” In nearly every interaction when two people are meeting, one person is the seller and the other is the buyer, although the roles can switch, and often do, throughout the interaction.

When you first approach a girl, you put yourself out there, so, naturally, she can decide whether to ignore you or not. Thus, you are the seller and she is the buyer.

Over time, if you are self-amused and socializing to have fun rather than to get something out of her, and if you show her that you are not self-conscious around her and are fully honest and expressive, then you are providing “value.”

Eventually, if you provide enough value, she will want you to stay, and if you are more willing to walk away from the conversation than she is, you are now in the buyer’s frame.

You will notice that she will begin to qualify herself more often: that is, she will begin to say things gratuitously in an effort to impress you or because she is more self-conscious of her actions and behavior around you because she cares what you think of her.

Once she starts qualifying herself to you, then that is a clear indication that she likes you.

The final step…

Now that you’ve found a girl that you truly like and she likes you back, you have to go through with the most important step–pull the trigger.

Pulling the trigger can mean different things in different contexts, whether it’s asking her out on a date, kissing her, or sleeping with her. Nevertheless, you have to make some sort of move to actually make her your girlfriend.

If you’ve followed the principles above, you haven’t portrayed yourself as a supplicating pushover without boundaries. A man who is willing to be fully expressive with his insecurities and his sense of humor exudes value and confidence.

However, sometimes the timing isn’t right or she just isn’t into you. Don’t worry. You can always try again later or move on to another girl. You have an abundance of opportunities, so don’t be afraid to take them.

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What Do Girls Like in Boys?

what do girls like in boys

“He’s so hot,” Michelle comments to her blonde female companion.

“I know. It’s like he doesn’t even know it,” her BFF, Sydney, replies.

Him? Really?! He just looks like some plain douchebag with a leather jacket and a painfully average hairstyle…

“I wish he would just ask me out…” Michelle swoons.

Michelle and Sydney seem to lose touch with reality briefly as they wander through their fantasies with the douchebag in the leather jacket. He quickly, but smoothly, glances over and catches a glimpse of the girls.

“Oh, he’s looking!” Sydney exclaims. Both girls smile coyly then look away. As he strides over, the girls talk nervously to each other pretending to engage in an earnest conversation of substance.

“Hello,” the stranger in the leather jacket greets the two girls.

“Hi…” both girls stammer in unison.

“Nice day today, isn’t it?” he says pleasantly.

“Sure is,” Michelle says.

“Well, you ladies have a good day,” the stranger says. “Stay out of trouble, ok?”

“Ok we will,” Sydney says with a giggle. Then the stranger strides away into the distance.

“Wow, he’s so dreamy!” Michelle says excitedly.

“I know!” says Sydney. “Did you see the way he walks? He’s so hot!”

Seriously?!

He literally just walked up to them, said nothing meaningful, then walked away, and now he has two girls melting in the palm of his hands…how can a guy possibly know what girls like in boys?

Have you ever seen a similar situation or ever had this thought run through your head?

There are some guys who seem to effortlessly walk up to the hottest girls and attract them without even trying. They seem to look plain, act normal, and do nothing special…

So what do girls like in boys?

If you ask a girl, they will most likely give you one of three responses:

  1. Confidence
  2. Authenticity (i.e. “just be yourself”)
  3. Sense of humor

But for most guys, these terms are vague and this is insufficient advice. So what do girls mean when they say these things? I will attempt to demystify each term for you.

Confidence

One of the most prevalent answers to the question “what do girls like in guys” is “confidence.”

What does that mean?!

A girl can tell a lot about a guy through his subcommunication. A “confident” guy will typically exhibit two primary behaviors that signal his confidence: 1) eye contact and 2) vocal projection.

Eye contact

A guy with unrelenting yet relaxed eye contact shows that he is unfazed by social pressure and is unintimidated in the presence of an attractive girl. A confident guy will engage people in a conversation through his eye contact. When he looks at you, it’s as if there is nothing else happening around in the environment. The world could be crumbling to ruins, but his gaze will still be fixed upon you.

Vocal projection

Confident people speak audibly and clearly. They aren’t afraid to be heard by people in the surrounding environment, and they intend for their words to be heard.

If you don’t project your voice, then it seems as if you don’t care if people hear you or not. However, confident people want their message to be heard, so they speak loudly enough for everyone to hear.

Authenticity

Another common answer that girls will give is for the guy to “just be himself.” Again, for most guys, this advice is confusing.

I think I am myself…Right? If I’m not myself, who am I???

When a girl tells you to just be yourself, she is basically saying that you should: 1) hold your frame and 2) not qualify yourself.

Holding your frame

First of all, what do I mean by “frame?”

During a conversation, usually one person is driving the conversation and the other is reacting to what the other person is saying.

For example, let’s say Sally and Bob are discussing the cafe they are sitting in.

Bob: “This is a nice cafe, isn’t it?”

Sally: “I guess… except that the furniture is a bit old and the coffee could be more flavorful.”

Bob: “Oh, yeah, I guess it’s not that good…”

Did you notice how easily Bob changed his opinion? This shows that Bob is trying harder to not rock any boats and cares more about making Sally feel comfortable with her opinion than asserting his own.

A girl will commonly test a guy’s frame when she’s meeting him for the first time after he’s approached her. For example:

Bob: “You have such gorgeous hair!”

Sally: “Is that what you say to every girl you meet at the club?”

Here, Sally is testing to see whether Bob will be overly reactive to this question. If he makes a big deal out of his answer and shows that he is embarrassed or ashamed for making the comment, then this is being reactive.

Consequently, most girls will immediately expose how confident a guy actually is by testing him in this manner. If he’s insecure, he will become overly apologetic:

Bob: “No, of course not! I was just trying to compliment you! I didn’t mean it like that!”

This is unattractive.

Instead, be shameless.

Sometimes a girl will test to see how insecure you are by making a critical remark. If you’re shameless about who you are and it clearly doesn’t affect you, then she knows that you’re grounded and authentic, and you don’t try too hard to micromanage other people’s opinions of you.

Basically, you value your own opinion of yourself than others’ opinions of you.

Don’t qualify yourself

The second factor you should be aware of is to not qualify yourself.

What does it mean to qualify yourself?

Basically, it means to try to impress the girl or to justify your behavior in some way.

This goes along with being shameless.

Qualification is typically a sign that you’re either self-conscious or you want something out of the interaction (i.e. outcome dependence). So if you’re truly shameless and confident, you’ll never feel compelled to qualify, justify, or explain your actions.

However, qualification is more prevalent than most people realize.

While working as a receptionist in a hostel in Las Vegas, we had check-in requirement questions that we would ask to people who wanted to stay at the hostel.

One of the questions was, “Are you a student?”

For some reason, I rarely got a “yes” or “no” response to the question, even though it was a simple “yes” or “no” question.

People would often reply, “well I was going to school for a few years, then I took a break for work, and I enjoyed school, but then I joined this new tech company and now I work as a sales associate…”

To which I would reply, “So that’s a ‘no?'”

When people care about the outcome or what the other person thinks very highly, they tend to justify or explain themselves more. This is qualification.

At the hostel, we also had more confident travelers who would just reply “yes” or “no” without having to divulge their entire life story onto me.

From a qualification standpoint, someone can tell by the way you talk, whether they are aware of it or not, how important an outcome is for you. It ranges from desperate to confident.

In Reality Transurfing Vadim Zeland says that when you place too much importance on something, then it creates excess potential. This excess potential prevents you from attaining what you want.

Thus, when you place too much importance on getting a number or trying to get laid, then the emphasis on importance will disallow you from attaining that outcome.

That’s because a girl can sense your desperation from the way you talk to her. You qualify yourself in subtle ways because of shame, insecurities, and caring too much about impressing her.

So how do you not qualify yourself?

Don’t try too hard to impress her. Become outcome independent by talking to groups of guys and girls because this will take the emphasis off of just trying to get laid.

Also, if you don’t need to say anything at a certain time, then don’t say it. A lot of times, when people get nervous, they tend to fill the silence with commentary about their actions. This is qualification.

Sense of humor

This one is a bit of a misnomer. Yes, girls want a guy who can make them laugh. Therefore, do you have to be a comedian to be successful with women? No, absolutely not.

First of all, what sorts of things make us laugh?

  1. Tension. A lot of times, we laugh when a situation is tense or if the person telling a story or joke is able to maintain tension throughout.

    Good comedians and storytellers are often able to maintain tension throughout telling a joke or story by maintaining an even and composed demeanor. This builds tension until the audience finally releases the tension with laughter.

  2. A solid reality. When someone is immersed in the joke or story and is really into it and doesn’t really care how people will react to it, his or her audience will react more strongly to it.
  3. Spontaneity. The more spontaneous a situation is or if a comedian tells a joke seemingly off-the-cuff, people are more likely to react. Thus, if you’re more present, then people will react to you more.

How do these traits translate when you’re talking to women:

  1. Sexual tension. When a girl is attracted to a guy, this will create some sexual tension (i.e. spark or chemistry) between the two. The longer the guy is able to drag it out by teasing her, the more reactive she will be around him. Typically, her reaction will be laughter.

    For example, let’s say Julie and Andrew are coworkers at the office, and Julie finds Andrew very attractive.

    Andrew: Working hard or hardly working?

    Julie: (while giggling) Hardly working…

    Andrew: (sarcastically) Well then, you should probably stop talking to me so much and get back to work!

    Julie: (laughing while teasingly slapping Andrew on the shoulder) Haha, stop it!

    This sort of reaction, where she laughs when she is teased by him, is a sign of arousal stemming from sexual tension.

  2. Solid frame. The more solid someone’s frame is, the more likely people will react to that person. In a conversation, this typically occurs when a guy delivers a witty comeback. Let’s say Susie and John are meeting at the bar for the first time:

    John: Hey, let’s go dance for a bit.

    Susie: I can’t leave this area, my friends are here.

    John: (sarcastically) You have friends??

    When he delivers a comeback and demonstrates that he can hold his own, this shows that he is not bothered by adversity and can hold a strong frame.

  3. Being present. When you’re less in your head than she is, she will become self-conscious and, thus, is more likely to laugh.

Although there are some complexities in this article, you can see that a girl typically likes a guy who can stand up for himself and hold his own in conversation. She might say that she wants a guy with “confidence,” “authenticity,” and “sense of humor,” but this ultimately reduces down to a man who can keep up with her socially without trying too hard and while having fun in the process. A guy who is calm, composed, quick-witted, unashamed, and charismatic will naturally attract a vast majority of girls.

So the next time you’re at the bar talking to a girl who you’re attracted to, remember to just be confident and be yourself.

For those who have never had a girlfriend, these principles can help you find and attract a girl who you have chemistry with.

 

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Do White Girls Like Asian Guys?

asian guy white girl

An Asian guy with a white girl.

How often do you see this couple? Why do we not see it more often? Is it because white girls don’t find asian guys attractive?

I used to think this way. In 2013, at the age of 23, I was still a virgin. I am of Japanese descent, and most of my childhood was primarily focused on attaining good grades and endeavoring to gain entrance into a top tier university.

In high school, this was my typical schedule:

6:30 am: wake up, get ready for school

8:00 am: drive to school

8:30 am – 3:00 pm: go to classes

3:00 pm – 5:00 pm: cross country practice

5:30 pm – 9:00 pm: study and do homework

9:30 pm – 12:30 am: read, play computer games, go to bed

My entire day consisted of academic work, cross country, and computer games. So when I wasn’t studying or practicing, I would hone my skills in Counterstrike, Starcraft, Heroes of Newerth (now League of Legends), and World of Warcraft. Instead of socializing, I focused on getting my Tauren Druid to level 60 and running raids with my virtual avatar…

People at school knew me as a mute–I was incredibly shy to the point where if I would say anything, someone would exclaim, “Hey, Marcus is actually talking!”

At this point of my life, I was also in denial when it came to girls.

My senior year of high school, I finally worked up the courage to ask a girl out, mostly because she was one of my only female friends during this period of time, I felt comfortable around her, and I wanted companionship (and yes, she was Caucasian).

A week after I asked her out, she was also my first kiss.

However, my first positive experience with a girl turned into a barrage of neediness and codependency. We delusionally thought that we wanted to marry each other even though we weren’t very compatible.

She was friendly and outgoing but to try to settle down at the age of 18 with your first girlfriend I now realize is an incredibly absurd idea.

Due to my scarce mindset (because I never thought I would ever have a chance to have another girlfriend), we agreed to have a long-distance relationship during my first year of college.

Although I am grateful for her company, albeit over the computer, over that year, I realize now that I missed out on many freshman year experiences that I sacrificed for hours of Skype sessions with the girl that I couldn’t let go of.

As my first year of college drew on, my relationship became more and more tense. Eventually, every text and every Skype session turned into a two-way verbal assault. In February of my second semester of college, we ended our relationship.

As I progressed through college, I was known for my academic performance. I became more of a nerd as the years drew on.

I chose my major as math and minored and philosophy and economics. I became a research assistant in the Economics department and my primary ambition became gaining admission into the best possible graduate program in Economics.

I had little time to focus on my love life, let alone a social life.

I got zero action from girls throughout my entire time during college. At the age of 21, I had still only kissed one girl.

A month after turning 21, I went on a study abroad trip through London, Paris, Amsterdam, and throughout Italy which would open my eyes.

The trip consisted of students throughout the US, primarily from major state universities in Texas and Florida. Little did I know that most students from these schools like to party–HARD.

Our first night in London was my second time ever getting drunk (my first was freshman year when I got drunk at a house party and spent the night passed out in the bathroom). I can still recall how liberated I felt when I was able to turn my brain off and socialize with people uninhibitedly.

My roommate on the trip was an unapologetic, smooth-talking Jewish pre-law student from South Carolina, and he was a natural with girls.

Aesthetically, he was white, about 6 feet tall, had a slim figure, and short curly hair. He would make relaxed yet unrelenting eye contact with girls and would make them laugh with his sexual sense of humor.

I still delusionally thought that I was decent with girls too: I was intelligent, got good grades, played sports, and a lot of guys thought that I was cool.

But there was a moment on the trip when I realized that my own self-perception was tragically wrong.

During the third week of the trip, most of the more popular girls (about 10 in total), got together and compiled a list of the top 5 most attractive and bottom 5 least attractive guys on the trip.

At that time, I fully expected to be in the top 5. Actually, I expected to be number 1. My resume was polished–good grades, intelligent, cultured, and athletic.

“So who is in the top 5,” my roommate asked one of the girls on our trip.

“I don’t know if I should say…”

“Come on, we’ll just keep it between us. Was I at least in the top 5?”

“Well, yes…”

“Yes! Top 3?!”

“You were number 2.”

“Haha nice! Wait, who was number 1?”

“Dylan.” Dylan was built like an All-American quarterback with deep blue eyes and a shaved head.

“Really?!”

“Yeah he’s cute.”

“Where was I?” I stepped in and asked.

“Umm….”

“Yeah Marcus was number 3, wasn’t he?” my roommate asked.

“Well…”

“Top 5?”

“Yes!”

“Really?”

“Well no, but you’re in my top 5!” she said while trying to comfort me with a patronizing side hug.

At that point, I realized that she was trying to let me down easy. I was not in the top 5 at all. I was actually in the bottom 5, close to the bottom.

Later that day, my roommate and my other friend were conversing while on an Italian beach near Florence.

“When did you guys lose your virginity?” my roommate asked.

“I was a late bloomer…I was 19,” my Texan friend Chad replied.

I looked visibly nervous at the question.

“Wait, Marcus, are you still a virgin?” my roommate asked.

“Yeah…” I felt a twinge of embarrassment.

“Really?”

“Yep.”

“Dude, I don’t know how you do it. You’re missing out. I’m gonna have to get you laid before the trip ends.”

“Ok,” I said meekly with a nervous giggle.

But it didn’t happen. Whenever my roommate tried to set me up with a girl at a nightclub or bar when we went out, she would quickly lose interest.

When I returned home from Europe, my life was different.

I no longer had the delusional sense of confidence and self-assuredness with women that I formerly did. I was always used to excelling at everything that I did. The list brought to light how dire my love life was.

Then one Google search would forever change the trajectory of my life:

Why white girls don’t like Asian guys

I found a few videos justifying the stereotype of girls trying to explain that there are physical differences and cultural differences.

However, I also found videos about white girls saying that they like Asian guys, but Asian guys tend to be too shy to even talk to them.

But one video in particular shattered my reality of how women perceive men.

Previously, I had always thought that women are attracted to men primarily based on looks, talents, and accomplishments. For me, if a man wasn’t attractive, successful, and talented, then he would have no chance with a woman. Nevertheless, this video shifted my entire paradigm of attraction.

“When it comes down to it, women don’t care as much about what you look like, how much money you have, or whether you have a six pack. They care mostly about whether they can have a good time with you. The number one trait that women find attractive is social savvy.”

I realized from that point that my entire understanding of how women come to like a man was wrong. Women become attracted to a man over time. When a woman has a good time with a man, she will eventually become aroused.

The instructor in the video, who was also Asian, did say that sometimes people were blatantly racist when he would talk to girls.

“One girl that I approached that night, when I turned her around to introduce myself, immediately said, ‘go away! I don’t talk to Asians!’. . .Later that night, I introduced a girl that I met to one of my friends, who responded, ‘why are you talking to him? Don’t you know that Asians have small dicks?!’”

Clearly, appearances do matter…but only to an extent. However, what matters the most is what most girls say: confidence.

But what does it actually mean to be “confident?”

Basically, it means that you say or do what you want without worrying so much about how people will react to what you say or what other people think about who you are.

Sometimes when you start talking to a girl and she challenges you based on your appearances, she is merely testing you to see whether you are actually a man who is confident, unapologetic, and can handle himself in the face of adversity.

This is called a “shit test.”

Essentially, a woman is trying to see how truly “confident” you are. However, if you’re able to show her that you don’t give a fuck about what people think about you, then you’ll immediately demonstrate your confidence.

I personally love it when a woman tests me because it’s my opportunity to show her that I’m the real deal.

Most men crumble under the pressure of a woman testing them, but this is because they care too much about what the girl thinks of him and trying to appease the her.

So how do you pass a “shit test?”

Be fucking shameless.

If you find yourself feeling the need to justify or explain yourself when she starts to poke and prod at your insecurities, even if it’s in a playful or joking way, then you need to address those insecurities on an internal level.

Explore where the shame is coming from. Were you tease about it when you were younger? Were there emotionally traumatizing experiences in your childhood related to those insecurities?

Often you’ll find that there was one particular traumatizing event that you couldn’t really explain, so you rationalized that event as being your fault because of a reason that you make up in your head.

For example, when the girls made the list during my study abroad trip, my explanation for my unattractiveness was my ethnicity.

Although I now realize that this was a false belief, it felt real and rational to me at the time.

Most of your insecurities form in this way. There’s a traumatizing event that you don’t understand, so your mind quickly makes up a reason for that.

The key to passing shit tests is to have a nonchalant, unreactive demeanor that shows that you can brush off insults and dish them back without being upset about it. In essence, this tells the girl that you are comfortable with who you are and you don’t have an ego about it.

The key to developing this core confidence is to focusing on showing, not telling. That should be your mantra.

Show people who you are through your actions instead of feeling the need to tell people who you are or aren’t with your words.

As an Asian man, when a girl gives me shit about being Asian, I love it. I know that I can brush aside her insults and joke around confidently, which SHOWS that I don’t have shame surrounding my former racial insecurities.

Overall, I demonstrate to her that I fully embrace and am comfortable with who I am. This is the most attractive quality that a man can possess.

When a man is able to cultivate a high level of self-assuredness, women will respect him, regardless of what he looks like, how much money he has, or how accomplished he is.

You can’t always control whether a woman is attracted to you, but you can always control whether she respects you for being real.

Over the years, I’ve gone from being a “bottom 5” guy to becoming a man who women respect.

So to answer the initial question: white girls like some Asian guys, but only an Asian guy who isn’t micromanaging his behavior to cater to the woman’s impression of him.

It’s important to understand that girls judge guys more on their behavior and how congruent they are to their appearance than their actual appearance itself. In order to understand what girls like in boys in general, check out the next article.

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How to Get a Girl to Have Sex with You

how to get a girl to fuck you

Everyone develops a crush on another person at some point in their life, so you’re bound to have sex cross your mind.

So if you are wondering how to get someone to have sex with you, then you’re not alone.

In my endeavor to improve my dating and sex life (I was a virgin until the age of 23), I moved to Las Vegas and went out to nightclubs every night of the week to talk to women.

Vegas offered an incredible diversity of people from across the world from which I was able to better understand the social and behavioral dynamics of talking to strangers.

In particular, I would take notes on what sorts of topics and behaviors intrigued different types of girls, and I would reflect on the fundamental question of how to get girls to have sex with you.

I came up with a systematic way of thinking about attraction. Through studying social interaction, I attempted to generalize the patterns that I observed into a system that could be replicable across the majority of the population.

Basically I came up for a formula for getting laid.

how to fuck bitches

 

EM + L = Sex

 

This is a simple formula for how to get a girl to sleep with you.

EM stands for emotional stimulation. A woman can only be aroused if you connect with her on some emotional level.

L stands for logistics. If a woman is emotionally stimulated, even if by someone other than you, all it takes is being alone in a room with her to have sex.

Some guys ask me if I can teach them how to make a girl have sex with them. The truth is that I can’t. You can’t make a girl have sex with you. However, if she becomes aroused and the circumstances are conducive for sex, then nature will take its course.

How to Stimulate a Woman Emotionally

When you ask a girl what she looks for in a guy, she will often reply, “a sense of humor.” This is because laughter is a natural response to being emotionally stimulated.

Different women have different preferences for emotional stimulation.

Some women, especially those from the Latin culture, prefer relationships full of drama, tension, and teasing.

Other women, like those from East Asian cultures, prefer less drama and more stability and comfort.

Ultimately, women are most attracted to guys who match her emotional preferences.

A guy who is able to let loose and talk in a way that is unstifled, genuine, and unfiltered will be attractive for a woman. This kind of guy is able to have fun yet is unafraid to talk passionately about certain topics that might be abrasive and confrontational. He’s not a leaf in the wind.

He has a strong reality but also carries an overall positive vibe.

Logistics

When you and a girl like each other and want some private time together, usually one of three situations will transpire.

  1. You lead her. Just like in the story above, if you get along with her, you will often find yourself going off on an adventure with her. If you’re in a bar or club, she’ll want to go with you to the dancefloor, to the bar, to another venue, and so on.Focus on enjoying the experience. As soon as you get too far ahead of yourself and try to push your agenda of hooking up onto her without her being ready, then she’ll start to feel you disengaging from the moment and becoming desperate and pushy for the outcome.

    If you let go of constantly needing to push towards the destination and enjoy the journey, then she’ll naturally want to go with you to a more private place where intimacy can develop.

    However, make sure that you create the opportunity for things to develop.

    For example, if a girl likes you and you’re in at a nightclub with her friends, then you have to be the one to take initiative to create that private, intimate time with her. Let the friends know that you’re going to take her to the dance floor.

    Lead it forward, and give her the opportunity to either go with you or say “no.”

    It’s frustrating for a girl when she likes you, but you never make a move.

    Let go of your ego and put yourself out there. Make the move and give her that opportunity.

     

  2. You and her are the last ones at the party. If you continue to engage her in conversation, then she will not mind talking to you for hours on end. Your friends and her friends both see that you’re enjoying each other’s company and they will leave you alone.
  3. You take her contact info and meet up later. Sometimes she’ll have to go with her friends or you have somewhere to be. In this case, feel free to take her contact information, whether that’s Snapchat, Facebook, Instagram, or a good old-fashioned phone number.I often like to exchange Snapchats because we can view each other’s stories, which will enrich your understanding of her life and personality and vice versa (i.e. she can see how cool of a person you are).

    Often when you take her contact information with the intention of meeting up later, she will want to meet up with you in a more intimate situation. Even if she’s not ready for that yet, you can meet up in a more social setting and continue to get to know each other from there.

how to ask a girl for sex

Add these together and…

You will have sex. It’s that simple.

Just have a good time around her. Don’t try too hard to be overly funny or witty or aggressive around her. Your aim should be to be as relaxed and as carefree as possible.

Usually anxiety around women comes from trying to get them to like you. It’s performance anxiety. You feel like you’ve failed if a woman doesn’t like you.

That’s not the case. Not every woman is going to be right for you. The best you can do is project your personality as purely as possible by realizing that people’s opinions of you are ephemeral, and not getting along with someone is not the end of the world.

Once you get along with a girl, just spend as much time with her as possible, and take one of the preceding courses of action (i.e. leading, waiting, or taking her contact info).

Do Looks Matter?

A lot of guys object and say that this strategy only works for guys who are good-looking. That’s not true at all. I know guys who look completely ordinary or even less than ordinary, and, because they are fun to hang around and are charismatic, they get laid regularly.

I remember I used to have the self-defeating belief that girls aren’t attracted to me because I’m Asian. I would wonder to myself, “do white girls like Asian guys?” I used to think the answer was “no.”

When living in Vegas, I ended up hooking up with girls from a variety of different backgrounds. I now realize how absurd my mindset was. In the next article, I discuss the issue of race and attraction more fully.

So, at the end of the day, there is no need to overcomplicate things. Just remember to continue to have fun with girls when you’re out. Once you stop enjoying yourself, you become unattractive. Just enjoy yourself, put yourself out there and make a move, and it will happen for you.

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When Did You Lose Your Virginity?

when did you lose your virginity

23.

I know, I was a late bloomer.

A few times earlier in my life, whenever my friends would talk about how they lost their virginities or how many girls they’d been with, I’d avert my gaze and attempt to excuse myself from the conversation.

“When did you lose your virginity?” is one of the most personal questions someone can ask you, and it often provides a glimpse into your development into adulthood.

However, most guys are often ashamed to answer the question if they were late bloomers.  It seems to detract from their masculinity and their perceived ability to get girls.

If you were a late bloomer or still have yet to lose your virginity, you probably understand and empathize with these thoughts.  

My late sexual development has led me to explore different facets of social interaction and energy exchange between people in ways that I wouldn’t have otherwise bothered to think about.
 

My first time…

So you’re probably wondering at this point how I lost my virginity.  Here’s the story.

After returning home to LA from college (I attended school in Utah), my high school friend invited me to go on a Vegas trip with him and a few of his coworkers.  Up until that point, I had never gone to Vegas properly.  I was quite conservative growing up and had attended a Protestant elementary school and a Mormon university.  Throughout high school, I didn’t drink and abstained from sex because I wanted to save myself for marriage.

After turning 21, I studied abroad in Europe and got drunk for the second time in my life (the first was my freshman year at a house party).  I saw that the rest of the guys on our trip were socializing with girls at the bars and clubs we were going to, and I tried to join in.  I didn’t have any success.

Living in the conservative Utah town of Provo, I didn’t really get to experience much nightlife or have many opportunities to hook up with girls.  Thus, I accepted my friend’s invitation to relive the unstifled fun that I had experienced in Europe.

It was Superbowl weekend, and we spent most of our time gambling.  We would go to the slot machines and pool our money to play the high roller slots or try our luck at the blackjack and craps tables.  I was terribly unlucky and lost copious sums of cash quickly.

The day before the Superbowl, we were all sitting at the casino bar in Bally’s pressing the video poker screens with reckless abandon.  I had lost the money that I was willing to spend for the night, so I just sat there drinking, watching over my friend’s shoulder as he played his machine.

A Chinese lady sat next to me and ordered a red wine as I sat placidly staring at my friend’s screen.

“Do you know how to play?” she asked me.

“Yes, but I’m not very good,” I replied with a laugh. “I’ve already lost my money for the night.  I can show you though.”

I proceeded to teach her the basics of poker and how to use the machine, which proved to be a difficult endeavor in broken English.  Nevertheless, I showed her how to play a few rounds, then we started conversing about each other’s lives.

“What brings you to Vegas?”  I asked her.

“For work.”

“Where are you from?”

“China.”

“Oh ok, and this is your first time in Las Vegas?”

“Yes.”

“I’m Marcus by the way.  What’s your name?”

“Becky.”

I found out that she was in Vegas alone for work, so I made it my mission to show her around and allow her to have a good experience.  It was better than leaking money at the machines anyway.

I excused myself from my friends and took Becky to a slot machine where she could experience pulling slots for the first time.

As we spent more time together, I could feel her becoming more comfortable being touched and around my presence in general.

I then wanted to take Becky to the strip so that she could experience the ambiance of the different hotels.  

On the way out of Bally’s, she said that she wanted to stop somewhere and get a drink.  We stopped at the cantina in Bally’s, and Becky got a margarita while I ordered a Corona.  We sat there for about 20 minutes discovering further biographical details about each other’s lives.

Becky admitted that she’d only had one boyfriend in the past and work was her main priority for the majority of her life.  She was now 28 and wanted to explore what the world had to offer beyond career advancement.

While we sat there, I became more interested and attracted to Becky.  She was wearing a heavy pea coat but disrobed it when we sat down at the bar.  She had a slim figure, and her face was youthful.  While we sat in conversation, my intention shifted from adventuring about the strip to Becky.

Finally, as the conversation began to lull, I asked, “would you like to go upstairs to my room?”

“Yes,” she replied simply.

Then we paid our bill, left the bar, and began to walk towards the elevators.  However, she stopped following me and made a right turn instead of left! I was confused.

Nonetheless, I decided to follow her instead and continued talking to her.  Nothing seemed out of the ordinary to her.

We walked all the way to her room. She must’ve misunderstood…when I said my room, she must’ve thought we were going to her room.

She scanned her keycard, and we walked in.  She turned on the TV, I took off my shoes, and jumped on her bed.  She sat uncomfortably on the couch.

“Did you want to sit on the bed too?” I asked.  She stayed silent for a second.

“I’ve never had another man in my room like this…” she admitted nervously.

“It’s ok,” I comforted her.  She walked over and sat on the bed.  Then she laid down next to me.

“Are you nervous?” I asked.

“Yes…” she replied.  “Do you want to take a bath?”

…?  That was not the response I was expecting…

“I’m ok,” I responded, a bit nonplussed.

“Ok,” she said.  “I’m going to take a bath.”

Then she headed to the bathroom.  

Meanwhile, I laid on the bed flipping through news and sports channels for the next ten minutes.  She finally came out of the shower in her robe.  She laid down next to me once again.

I could feel her tension, timidness, and desire as we laid there for a few minutes.  Then I suddenly leaned over and kissed her.

She recoiled in surprise at first, but then she reciprocated.  We made out for a few moments, but then she stopped me…

“Go take a bath,” she whispered.  Now I understood.  She wanted me to shower before having sex.

After taking a shower and coming back into the room in my towel, I laid next to her.  She sidled up next to me and we began kissing again.  I slipped her body out of her robe and took my towel off.  I allowed my carnal instincts to take over, and I went down on her.  She gripped my hair and started moaning.

“Do you have a condom?” she asked.

“Yes,” I responded, reaching into my wallet.  I tore the packet open and struggled to roll it onto my erection as if it were the banana that I’d seen in sex ed class.  That was the only point of reference for proper condom equipping form up until that moment in my life.

Once I slipped it on, I spread her legs and entered her.

The sensation was spectacularly underwhelming.  Her breath shortened into quick gasps, but for me, it felt like I was rubbing my erection against a warm plastic bag.

This is what guys go crazy for?

Then we switched positions, and she began to ride me.  After a few minutes, her breath hastened as she rubbed her pubic bone against mine more aggressively.  Then the pace quickened until finally her body began to shake and she collapsed onto my chest and into my arms.

We both took turns taking showers, then we laid in bed together falling asleep in the warmth of each other’s embraces.

As I drifted off to sleep, the realization that I was no longer a virgin suddenly struck me, yet I felt no different from the previous day.  In those few minutes, it seemed that everything and nothing had changed all at once.

 

My Paradigm Shift

After this experience, I became curious about what motivates attraction in women.  I had always thought that sex was a big deal up until that point.  

A year following this encounter, I actually ended up moving to Las Vegas, which would change the way I understood female emotions and sexual desire forever.

After living in Las Vegas for two years and becoming a nightclub promoter, I saw and experienced the underbelly of sexual debauchery.

During this time I recognized a pattern in sexual behavior and wrote down a formula to represent this pattern.

If you want to learn about how to get a girl to have sex with you, you can read the next article which includes the formula and an explanation of it.

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Getting Laid in Vegas

usa sex guide las vegas

You’re cruising in the dark down the I-15, and you suddenly see a neon glow peer over the horizon. One beam of light shoots vertically towards the sky, and the freeway widens to four lanes. You can see and feel the vibrant electricity emanating from the desert oasis that people have affectionately named, Sin City. You turn off the freeway onto Flamingo Road, and the towering edifices overwhelm your sense of reality.

Welcome to Las Vegas, the global capital of sex, drugs, gambling, and hedonism.

Most guys arrive in Vegas for the weekend with hopes of a fleeting but passionate anonymous hookup following a night of alcohol-infused debauchery.

Although some guys naturally seem to know how to get laid in Vegas, the Las Vegas hookup is a random and capricious event for most, relying on a bit of help from Lady Luck.

In fact, when I’m asked, “when did you lose your virginity?” I tell the story about the first time I “got lucky” when I was 23 years old in Las Vegas. Yes, I was a late bloomer, but in my two years in Vegas since then, I’ve seen and experienced close to everything.

In fact, during my time in Vegas, I’ve seen that Vegas hookups are actually not that random, and there are certain factors you can account for that will increase your chances of hooking up in Vegas.

You won’t need to pull out your wallet and resort to calling a backpage ad girl in the wee hours of the morning. You’ll see that picking up girls in Vegas is not as elusive as it may appear, and you will no longer need to call a hooker when you can get laid for free.

How to Get Laid in Las Vegas:

  1. Have good logistics
  2. Be at the right club at the right time
  3. Be overly loud and charismatic
  4. Lead
  5. Deal with obstacles and objections

A Note About Buying Temperature

Perhaps the most important concept for picking up girls in Vegas is understanding buying temperature. This is essentially how emotionally stimulated and how aroused a girl is.

Even if you’ve just met a girl, if she’s aroused and stimulated, she will often become attracted to you quickly and will want to sleep with you. This might seem shocking, but it’s the truth.

If you can recognize when a girl is aroused, then you’ll make easy work of Vegas.

Half the battle is simply knowing which venues to go to on which days and at what times. I’ll break down everything you need to know here.

Having good logistics

What does it mean to have “good logistics?” Basically, I’m talking about how close your room is to the place you’re going out. If you have a room at the Mandalay Bay but plan on going to XS Nightclub, then your logistics are quite poor (the Wynn/Encore, where XS is located, is on the other end of the strip).

However, if you’re going to Surrender Nightclub and you’re staying at the Encore, then your logistics couldn’t be much better (the exit of the club is approximately 50 feet away from the hotel elevators).

Consider which clubs you plan on going to during your Vegas trip and try to get a room as close to that club as possible, ideally in the same Hotel.

Here is a list of which hotels each of the major nightclubs are at:

  • Light – Mandalay Bay
  • The Foundation Room – Mandalay Bay
  • Hakkasan – MGM Grand
  • Jewel – Aria
  • Marquee – The Cosmopolitan
  • Chateau – Paris
  • The Bank – Bellagio
  • Hyde – Bellagio
  • Drais – The Cromwell
  • Omnia – Caesars Palace
  • 1OAK – The Mirage
  • Tao – The Venetian
  • XS – Encore
  • Surrender – Encore
  • Intrigue – Wynn
  • Ghostbar – The Palms
  • Voodoo – Rio
  • Foxtail – SLS
  • Sayers Club – SLS

 

how to get laid in vegas

Be at the right club at the right time

So with all of these options, where is the best place to get laid in Vegas?

I’m about to uncover a local nightlife secret, so pay attention.

Certain clubs are better on certain nights. In the nightlife industry for most major cities, each nightclub typically has an industry night during the week when the other clubs are closed.

However, here is the secret to getting the hottest girls in Vegas.

Think about who the hottest girls in Vegas are. Tourists? Sometimes, but not typically. Strippers? That’s hit or miss. What about the girls who work at the clubs. Cocktail waittresses. Bartenders. Bottle girls.

Girls from across the country fly to Vegas to audition as a bottle girl (for those who don’t know, bottle girls are the servers for tables at the nightclub). It’s a highly competitive position because girls often make six figures in the summer months alone while working at the Vegas clubs and pool parties.

Basically the hottest girls in the country, arguably the world, work at the nightclubs.

So when do they go out?

Industry night.

NIghtclubs use industry night to host employees from the other clubs. They’ll set up the staff from another club with a table and one or two comped (free) bottles. The staff would often bring quality guests (i.e. hot girls) to the club, which makes the club hosting the industry night look better.

For example, I used to be a promoter at XS Nightclub at the Wynn/Encore. On Monday nights, XS’s industry night, I used to set up my promoter contacts from other clubs with a free table at XS. In exchange, they would bring attractive girls to our club. On Wednesday nights, 1OAK’s industry night, my host contact would set me up with a table for that night.

So if you’re really going for the best quality in Vegas, go to the club on an weekday night if possible (i.e. Sunday-Thursday). When I lived in Vegas, I would avoid going out on Friday and Saturday simply because the lines would be endless and the club would be filled with a mixed bag of tourists, often large groups of guys.

Here is a list of the industry nights:

  • Sunday – XS (during the summer), Drais, Hakkasan, The Bank
  • Monday – XS, Marquee, Jewel
  • Tuesday – Omnia, Hyde
  • Wednesday – Surrender, Light, 1OAK
  • Thursday – Intrigue, Hakkasan, Tao

 

las vegas

How to get into these clubs

Admission into a Vegas nightclub can seem more convoluted and intimidating than a calculus problem. I’ll give you a simple explanation of how you should aim to get into the club for free.

    1. Guestlist – This is the most common way to get free entrance into the club. You will often find promoters talking to people on the strip asking if they want to see Diplo or Tiesto that night. Basically, they’re trying to get people onto their guestlist. Some clubs, like Hakkasan and Omnia on most nights, allow any number of guys in for free. Other clubs require even ratio.

      What is even ratio? This means that if you have at least 1 girl for every guy in the group, then everyone is free. For example, if you have 3 girls and 3 guys in a group, then everyone gets in free. Also, if you have 4 girls and 3 guys, then everyone still gets in for free. But if you have 3 girls and 5 guys, then 2 guys would have to pay cover.

      What is cover? Cover is the amount that you have to pay for entrance. This varies based on the night and how popular the DJ is.
      Basically, if I were visiting, I try to get guestlist at the club I’m planning on going to, and I will bring at least 1 girl if the guestlist requires even ratio.

    2. Local ID – If you are living in or decide to move to Vegas, then get a local driver’s license if you don’t already have one. Then you will usually not need guestlist for free entrance. Locals are typically free at most clubs.

 

  1. Last resort: paying cover – If the Chainsmokers are playing on a Saturday night, then you’ll need to pay cover. With popular DJs playing on a busy night, there’s usually no getting around paying, unless you know someone with pull on staff.

Also, keep in mind to build a relationship with a host and/or a promoter who you like. A good promoter or VIP host will be able to get you into any club you want on any given night because they’ll have a solid network of contacts of other promoters and hosts.

What is the difference between a promoter and a host? Promoters can typically be found talking to tourists on the strip and get people on their guestlists. With a promoter, you can get discounted or free entry to the club and sometimes invited to their table.

A host works at the club, specifically at the table line. They take care of the high spending guests who buy bottle service for thousands of dollars (usually $500-$600 per bottle minimum).

It’s good to know at least one promoter and host at each of the clubs. Ask them questions, and they’re often more than happy to accommodate you.

What time should you go to the club?

Always pay attention to when the guestlist closes. On busier nights, the guestlist will close earlier, so make sure you don’t miss that window. Listen to what your promoter says.

As far as an optimal time to get laid? I’d say be in the club between midnight and 1am. Before midnight, people are generally stifled and sober. It’s not a bad time to socialize, but you’re more likely to find a girl to hook up with after midnight. Once that time hits, talk to as many people as possible. Remember, it’s Vegas. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, so you might as well go ham.

The DJ typically comes on between 1am and 1:30am, so it’s ideal to have found a girl by that time because usually people will be distracted by the wild theatrics of a major global EDM sensation taking the main stage. It’s hard to compete with that.

Even if you haven’t found a girl you’ve connected with by that time, don’t lose heart. I’ve often found a girl that I get along with after 3am before the club closes (Vegas clubs generally close at 4am). However, you’ll notice the club starting to thin out at around 2:30, so keep that in mind.

 

Another Vegas local secret…

So after 4am, does that mean you’re out of luck? Definitely not.

In fact, I’ve found that some of the hottest girls, once again, begin their nights after 3am.

Where do promoters and nightlife employees go after work? To the after hours club.

When 3am hits, I’ll often make my way over to Drais After Hours, the most popular after hours club in Vegas. The club closes at 8am, so you’ll have plenty of time to party until the sun rises.

The only drawback is that if you’re not a local and you don’t know the hosts working the door, you’ll often have to pay a $30-40 cover charge. But if you’re still rearing to go at this hour, then it’s worth it.

Another famous Vegas after hours spot is Artisan, which is a bit off the strip but is popular among locals.

 

About Day Parties

Although Vegas is famous for its nightlife, I’ve found that during the summertime the most raging parties are at dayclubs and pool parties. Here is a list of the best pool parties in Vegas:

  • Daylight – Mandalay Bay
  • Wet Republic – MGM Grand
  • Rehab – Hard Rock Hotel
  • Liquid – Aria
  • Marquee Dayclub – The Cosmopolitan
  • Drais Beach Club – The Cromwell
  • Bare Pool – The Mirage
  • Tao Beach – The Venetian
  • Encore Beach Club – Encore
  • Palms Pool – The Palms
  • Foxtail Pool – SLS

The guestlist system is similar for pool parties, so make sure to contact your promoter for the full low down.

Some of these venues also have pool parties at night, which are the most epic summertime parties that Vegas has to offer. Here is a list of ones that happened last year:

  • Sunday – XS Nightswim
  • Tuesday – Drais Beach Club Nightsplash
  • Thursday – Encore Beach Club at Night

Best Bars in Vegas to Get Laid

If you’re not really into the nightclub scene, Vegas still has an abundance of bars where you can meet women. In fact, if you’re looking for more hot local girls, you’ll definitely find a higher proportion of them off the strip at some of the local bars.

Town Square (just south of the strip)

    • Stoney’s – for those who are into country girls, this is your place. Even for those who aren’t into country music (not really my cup of tea), you’ll find plenty of down-to-earth people here. Plus, they have a mechanical bull, pool tables, and a spacious dancefloor. Definitely not a bad alternative to a hectic nightclub.

 

    • McFadden’s – An Irish bar with lots of real estate. This bar is fully equipped with a dancefloor, multiple bars, and an outdoor patio area. The bar is sizable with plenty of people to talk to.

 

  • Blue Martini – Definitely a local favorite, especially if you like Latina girls. You can also buy a table with hookah and bottles for a fairly reasonable price. Most nightlife industry employees choose to come here on their nights off.

Downtown Vegas (north of the strip)

    • Gold Spike – A local classic, and, similar to Blue Martini, a lot of local people will come here on their nights off. This is also a unique and sprawling venue that has adult-sized games of four square, chess, jenga, and beer pong. They also have ping pong, pool, cornholing, and a live band in the outdoor area. A diverse range of activities to choose from.

 

  • Fremont Street – A row of bars offering a variety of music and crowds. Beauty Bar is a good pick for off-strip EDM.

 


So now you know where to stay, where to go, and when to go to each of these venues. Like I said before, logistics are vitally important. But what happens once you show up to the venue? What is the best strategy for getting laid?

 

Be loud and charismatic

You’re competing against a worldclass DJ, blaring speakers, and hundreds of intoxicated patrons losing their shit over deafening EDM beats. If no one, let alone a girl, can’t hear you, then you’ve already lost before you’ve begun.

Be 200% louder than you think you should. You can also use the volume of the environment as a reason to get closer to her. And you have to be more charismatic than Calvin Harris and the Chainsmokers combined.

If you’ve got her attention, then you’ve won half the battle. Just continue to have fun with her until she squares up her hips to you.

Lead

When she squares up to you, this is a body language indicator that she’s more interested in you than her surroundings. In this case, take her hand and lead her towards the dancefloor.

Once you arrive at the dancefloor, take her hands and wrap them around your neck. If she responds by pressing her body against yours, then you’re good to go. Kiss her.
As soon as you’ve kissed, then take her hand and walk towards the exit of the club. About half the time, she’ll leave immediately with you.

What about the other half of the time?

Dealing with Objections

Girls will often be worried about their friends, and rightfully so.

Vegas is a chaotic and unfamiliar environment full of tourists and strangers, so as long as you’re genuine in your intent to have a good time and you’re able to communicate that to her, then that’s what matters most.

If this is the case, then always give her the option to come back to the club. This is why logistics are important.

If she’s still worried, just tell her to text her friends and let them know that you’re going to be gone for a bit then coming right back and not to worry.

Although these points seem obvious, I find that guys are often unclear in their communication, which makes girls reticent to go with them anywhere.

The key to addressing objections is to make her going with you as low risk and low investment as possible. As long as your intentions are good and you simply want some intimate time alone with her and she wants the same with you, then she will feel comfortable leaving the club with you.

This isn’t about manipulating the girl to sleep with you, but, rather, it’s about being clear in your communication and intent, and handling the logistical situation so that the two of you can have some alone time to enjoy each other’s company.

Thus, in order to ease her mind about the risk of leaving the club, it will comfort her to know that you can always come right back, that your destination is close, and you guys won’t be gone for long.

At this point, she’ll usually go with you. If not, then don’t be forceful or get frustrated. Just be patient. Sometimes all of this is moving too quickly for her, so she’s just not ready yet.

If that’s the case, then hang out at the club for the time being and go home with her later. However, remember to never get frustrated and never get mad at her.

With these tips in mind, you’re bound to be the envy of all of your friends the next time you go to Vegas when you’re leaving the club arm-in-arm with a gorgeous girl.

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Signs a Girl is Into You

signs a girl is into you

“Well, I guess this is goodnight then…”

“Yeah, I guess so…”

“Ok, well, goodnight…”

“Goodnight,” you respond coyly. She’s amazing, you think to yourself. But does she like me?

She pauses for a brief second and gives you a quick hug. Then she slips through the doorway and shuts the door softly.

Damn! Did I miss my chance to kiss her? Or was she just being nice?

Have you ever felt like you missed an opportunity with a girl? Maybe a girl liked you or she wanted to kiss you, but you didn’t take the chance? If only you knew some concrete signs a girl is interested or signs she wants to kiss you, then you’d be able to make a move at the right time… Then you’d never have to question yourself when it came to girls.

I’ve definitely had plenty of these moments myself. There have been numerous times when a girl has been at her car or at the front door just waiting for me to kiss her or invite her in only to send her off with a platonic side hug and a pleasant “have a good night.”

Or sometimes she has wanted me to ask her out, but because I wasn’t aware of certain signs of interest, I passed up a plethora of opportunities.

If you’re interested in getting laid in Vegas specifically, then you can check out the other article I’ve written on the topic.

But, in this article, I will teach you how to understand women better in general. I will elucidate and demystify what to look for when a girl is into you.

Before getting into the actual indicators of interest, it is key to understand why girls demonstrate these signs.

Consider how she will feel when she likes a guy. Most likely, she will become a bit nervous and display some signs of nervousness.

Additionally, once you are talking to her, she won’t want to leave the conversation. She will find excuses to spend time with you.

Signs she likes you:

Eye contact (or lack thereof)

Most people say that if a girl makes prolonged eye contact with you, then she’s interested in you. This is typically true. Most likely, the combination of your look and your behavior/body language is attractive to her.

However, another sign is just the opposite: that is, if the girl avoids making eye contact with you, then sometimes your presence makes her nervous because she is attracted to you. Oftentimes, a girl will act more shy around a guy that she likes.

So, noting these two observations, you might say, this doesn’t say anything about what the girl is interested in…she makes eye contact or she doesn’t and she could be interested or uninterested in both situations. What use is this advice? You’re absolutely right. The only way to actually find out if a girl is into you is to make a move and talk to her.

Over time, you will acquire a clear sense of whether a girl is into through eye contact, but the only way to truly find out is to actually put yourself out there and interact with her. Especially when you’re first starting out, don’t wait until the girl starts eye-fucking you to approach her.

Playing with her hair

A lot of times, a girl will play with her hair when she’s nervous or aroused. If you’re talking to a girl and you notice twirling her hair with her finger, combing her hair behind her ear, or playing with her hair in general, then she’s either anxious or into you.

Proximity (or the opposite)

When you do begin talking to a girl, if she stands close to you or she touches you quite frequently, then she probably has some sexual interest in you.

A good way to test for proximity is to stand as close to her as possible until she takes a step back. Then when she steps back, take half a step back yourself. This ensures that you maintain a sexual vibe to the interaction.

However, don’t step towards the girl too quickly or aggressively in a threatening way. That would be scary.

Squaring Up

A key body language indicator of her interest is if she squares up her hips towards you.

This indicates that she’s likely more interested in you than anything else around her. At this point, I will typically try to take her to a quieter, more private area to spend time with her.

You can take her to the dance floor, take her to meet your friends, or simply just take her to a place where you can sit and have a more intimate conversation.

Qualification

Imagine that you’re an employer, and you are interviewing a prospective employee for a potential job position. The prospect hands you a resume with a list of qualifications justifying why he or she is right for the job. The prospect’s endeavor is to try to convince you that he or she is qualified for the position.

Now when a girl qualifies herself to you during an interaction, this is a clear verbal indicator of interest. As soon as the girl tries to impress you or begins to justify her actions or behavior, then she is clearly interested in you.

For example, if you’re talking about school, and the girl says, “actually, I went to Harvard and majored in mechanical engineering. My course was quite difficult, and I graduated at the top of my class.” If she states this without any solicitation on your part, then she’s probably trying to impress you, which is a form of qualification.

Furthermore, if she justifies herself in a self-conscious way, this is a clear demonstration of qualification.

For example, if you ask, “where are your friends?” and she replies, “well we all came together in the beginning of the night, then we went to the dancefloor, but we lost Cindy, then my other friend we lost on the way to the bathroom, and now I ended up at the bar, so I’m not sure where my friends are…” then she is providing an overly elaborate answer to a simple question and is qualifying herself to a severe extent.

She could easily answer, “I don’t know,” but, instead, she provided an unnecessarily long-winded answer.

Qualification demonstrates her engagement in the interaction because 1) it indicates that she is self-conscious due to nervousness caused by arousal and 2) it shows that she is investing in the interaction.

If the girl wasn’t interested, she would not feel the need to justify herself. Most likely, she would give nonchalant responses to these questions.

For example, if you asked, “where are your friends?” she would probably respond, “I don’t know…” This shows a low level of investment on the girl’s part, and it also displays a lack of her feeling the need to prove herself to you.

Thus, you can see that qualification is typically a strong indication that she is interested in you.

Signs She Wants to Kiss You

When the interaction has progressed beyond mere social interest and moves toward more sexual interest, the girl will begin to display some signs that she wants to kiss you.

A classic sign of this is her subconscious tendency to glance at your lips while you’re talking.

Oftentimes, when a girl wants to kiss you, she will quickly look at your lips and back up to your eyes.

A good way to test to see if this is a genuine sign is to close the gap and stand a bit closer to her when talking. If she doesn’t back away, then she probably wants to be kissed.

Another clear physical indicator is if her cheek touches yours when you are dancing with her or when you are talking to her in a loud environment. If she’s comfortable to get that close to you, then, most likely, she also wants to kiss you.

The best way to actually see whether she wants to kiss you is to talk closer to her. If she’s not backing away, then she wants to kiss you.

Ultimately, these signs of interest can give you a clue as to whether a girl likes you, but the best way to actually find out is to make a move and see how she reacts.

Use proximity to see if a girl is comfortable with your physical presence and pay attention to her verbal cues to see if she’s qualifying herself.

And remember, if you’re not sure, just try to make some sort of move because if you never pull the trigger, then you’ll never move the interaction forward.

Over time, seeing these signs and picking up on your own signs will become more natural. When in doubt, just take action in order to find out for sure.

There have been numerous occasions when I didn’t think a girl was into me, but when I made a move, she ended up being quite receptive.

And remember this: I’ve had plenty of times when I’ve regretting not pulling the trigger, but I’ve never regretted making a move.

Keep creating new experiences for yourself, and remember to always pull the trigger.

 

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How to Pick Up Girls at a Club

how to pick up girls at a club

You can feel the bass pulsating through your body as flashing neon lights ignite the dark corners of the crowded, humid arena of intoxicated dancing.

Your pulse quickens as a flock of beautiful girls in their cocktail dresses galant quickly towards the bar.

Men in their button down shirts try to roll up to the bar smoothly and impressively in an attempt to find a single night of romance amidst the chaos.

Girls come to defend their friends and try to fend the predatory men off.

“We’re having a girl’s night.”

“We’re just getting a drink.”

“She’s not interested.”

“We have to go to the bathroom.”

“It was nice to meet you!”

But then one of the guys catches your eye: he looks plainly dressed, coolly composed, yet he has beautiful women at a table clamoring over him.

He doesn’t seem to be doing anything too spectacular, yet he emanates a playful, easygoing vibe that exudes groundedness.

Then he takes one of the girls by the hands and leads her away towards the exit.

For nearly every guy at a nightclub, this is the dream; a beautiful girl falls for you and you’re able to share an unforgettable night of passion.

Sometimes it seems impossible, yet there are some guys who seem to be unconsciously competent experts–they show up to the club, and, before you know it, they have a gorgeous girl making out with him, just waiting to be taken home.

For a while, I was mystified by how guys like this operated. They seemed to socialize with ease, and they would inevitably end the night walking out of the club arm-in-arm with a girl.

In fact, I was a virgin until the age of 23. Growing up, I was awkward and had only kissed one girl by the time I graduated from college.

Then I decided to get a handle on my love life. I had always thought that attraction was an intrinsic quality based primarily on looks and talents and was largely uncontrollable. I didn’t think you could improve how attractive you are to women unless you sculpted your abs into a six pack or underwent plastic surgery.

Then I had a roommate who revolutionized my worldview of the way attraction works. He showed me that women are attracted to the way guys behave and their social savvy. Consequently, I realized that if I improve my social skills, I would be able to become attractive to girls.

I moved to Vegas, and, over the course of three years, went out to nightclubs consistently 5-7 nights weekly and learned the ins-and-outs of how to attract women.

I went from losing my virginity to getting laid regularly, with sometimes up to 4 girls in a week.

Other guys wanted to know what I was doing. I began to teach them what I had learned and ultimately constructed a simple 5-step system of how to pull girls that even a guy who is completely inexperienced can learn.

Once I began to teach this system, guys quickly began seeing results and would often take a girl home the same night that I taught them.

In order to implement this system, it helps to know the signs a girl is interested. Make sure to check out that article to fully understand the process I’m about to present below.

I figured out that the most important things to consider when interacting with a girl at the club are your subcommunication, physicality, and logistical escalation. Basically, you need to be calibrated in the way you touch a girl in the club and you need to eventually make a move towards the exit.

Here are the 5 steps of how to pull a girl from a club:

    1. Open
    2. Hook
    3. Move
    4. Kiss
    5. Pull

Open

A lot of guys get hung up on the very first step. They see a beautiful girl, yet they freeze up when they think about talking to her. Here is the key: don’t hesitate, just take action immediately.

“What do you say?” you might ask. Honestly, it doesn’t really matter. What does matter is the place it’s coming from.

Do you come across as a guy who has an agenda, like some dude who is trying to get laid that night? Or are you truly enjoying yourself, having fun, and socializing for the sake of it? The key is to strike a balance.

If you’re someone who is just trying to get laid, a girl will immediately sense it and her friends will quickly come to her defense and send you on your way.

If you’re someone who is truly having fun, then, most likely, the group you are talking to will enjoy your vibe and will want to spend time with you.

Just remember that even if you are having fun, that does not guarantee that everyone will be receptive.

Alternatively, if you approach a group in an entertaining way and they are receptive to your approach, a girl will usually be attracted to your fun vibe. However, if you never show any sort of intent or pay any attention to the girl, then she will eventually lose interest.

Thus, you need to ideally balance your social and entertaining side with actually making a move to attain the right balance for attraction.

When you start a conversation, you want to go in with the intention of having fun and enjoying the experience without needing or expecting anything from the people you approach. After all, YOU are the one who approached them, not vice versa.

To go into an interaction without seeking a reaction from a person is called outcome independence.

How do you cultivate outcome independence?

The key is to become as present as possible by warming up properly. A couple of effective ways to warm-up and put yourself into a social mood are 1) the Eagle Warmup and 2) the congruence drill.

The Eagle Warmup

Start by approaching couples and groups where the girl isn’t available.

Why?

The purpose of this drill is to 1) get the most anxiety-inducing interaction out of the way first which will reduce your anxiety for the subsequent interactions, and 2) foster outcome independence.

Why does this drill facilitate outcome independence?

Because your brain sees that you’re not going to hook up with a girl that’s with her boyfriend, and you’ll subconsciously release from the outcome of taking the girl home.

Instead, you’ll socialize just for the sake of socializing, which is pure outcome independence. You’ll often find that when this happens, everyone you are talking to becomes engaged in what you’re saying.

The Congruence Drill

Just walk up to whomever you want to approach and don’t have anything to say prepared. Just say the first thing that springs into your mind. If you don’t think of anything, then don’t say anything. Stand there and focus on your breathing and the way you feel.

The key is to reduce your anxiety so that ideas and words flow easier. The first interaction might be terrible, but each one after that will likely become better and better. Eventually, you’ll become completely present and your words and behavior will flow naturally.

Hook

If you’re able to reach a flow state of outcome independence and you’re talking to enough people, at least one girl with find you engaging. That’s all you need to work with.

Once you’ve hooked a girl, she will square up her hips to you. People naturally square up their hips towards whatever person or object has their attention in that moment.

As soon as she squares up her hips towards you, make a move.

She’s interested in you, so it’s your responsibility to lead it forward.

Move

The way you move a girl depends on essentially two different situations: when she is alone and when she is with her friends.

If she is alone…

Then you want to lead her physically first. This doesn’t mean grab her aggressively. You can try holding her hand, taking her by the arm, or simply tell her to follow you, and walk towards where you want to go.

The most important thing is not to be ashamed of making the move. If you decide to take her somewhere, then fully embrace it, be decisive, and be confident in your action.

If she refuses to go with you, then make it easier on her. Let her know where you’re going and how long you’re going to be gone for. Then keep moving forward.

If she still refuses to go with you, then just say something to the effect of “Ok no problem, we can just hang out here.” Don’t make it a big deal, just keep hanging out as you were. No need to force it.

If she is in a group…

First I want you to imagine that you are out with your friends at the club, and, suddenly, a guy comes up to one of your female friends and starts to talk to her.

He seems friendly enough, but, over time, he only is talking to her while ignoring everyone else. Then he takes her by the hand and starts leading her away.

Where is he going? Who is this guy? Where is he taking her?

Concerned thoughts run through your head. Not only did the guy tell anyone where he was taking your friend, but he didn’t even introduce himself.

Of course this scenario would naturally raise concern for you, yet most guys will do this when they are trying to take a girl somewhere.

Thus, the solution is simple: before taking the girl anywhere, let one of her friends know where you’re going and introduce yourself.

It seems like common sense, but 80-90% of guys will fail to do this.

About 75-80% of the time, the friend will most likely be fine with it. However, in the event that the friend refuses to let her go with you, you can also invite her friends along too.

For example, let’s say that you want to take the girl to the dancefloor. The friend refuses, but you can just ask, “do you guys want to come too?” Sometimes they will join you.

Even if they don’t, they now see that you’re a considerate guy who isn’t just trying to take the girl home. Instead, you’re just having a good time, and you want to make sure everyone else is too.

If you can’t get the girl to move from her group, don’t get frustrated.

This will happen.

Instead, remain calm and collected, and just tell her, “Ok, cool, no problem. We can just hang out here.” Then try again at a later time, and ideally change the premise of where you were going to take her.

Basically, don’t just keep trying to take her to the dancefloor over and over. You can take her to the bar or to go meet your friends instead. Listen to her and act accordingly.

Kiss

When you have some private alone time with her, gauge to see if she wants to kiss you.

First, be aware of her proximity to you. If she is standing or sitting close to you to the point where she is or is nearly touching you, then she is probably aroused.

If she isn’t close to you, then stand or sit as close to her as possible until she backs away, then back away slightly yourself.

Talk close to her face. Look at her lips. If she doesn’t pull back, then kiss her immediately. It’s that simple.

When you are on the dance floor, if her cheek is touching yours while dancing, then kiss her.

Pull

Immediately following the kiss (literally immediately!), take her hand and start walking for the exit. It doesn’t matter what time it is, how long you’ve been talking to her, where everyone else is; just simply start walking.

There is no need to build up the place you are headed to. Think about the way George Clooney or Brad Pitt would take a girl home. Would they feel the need to explain in painstaking detail how amazing of a place they have? Would they have to qualify themselves to the girl at all? No. They would simply just have to say, “let’s get out of here.”

You might say, “but they’re most attractive celebrities in the world who can feed countries with their net worth.” That’s true. And that’s exactly why you should model their behavior.

If you mimic they’re entitled behavior that exudes value, then the girl will inherently think that you’re a high value person. Remember that she is observing the way you behave and the things that you say (or don’t say), not just your physical appearance.

Therefore, you should just continue the conversation as normal and continue walking unless she stops.

What if she stops?

Then, just as before, clarify where you’re going and how long you’re going to be gone for. The key is to be shameless about it. She’s looking more at how composed and confident you are in your decision rather than the actual content of what you’re saying.

Let her know that you’re going to be right back and that you’re just going outside. Don’t overexplain yourself or say more than necessary.

I usually let her know that we have to be back soon because my friends are in the venue too so I’ll have to come back for them anyway. Then I’ll make sure that she has her stamp so that we can reenter the venue.

If she says, “I can’t leave my friends,” have her text her friends to let them know where she’s going and that she’s safe and will be back.

In the event that she wants to go back to see her friends, go with her to find her friends, and let them know yourself about the situation.

You can even give them your number if they need to reach you. The more accommodating you are towards her friends, the safer her and her friends will feel around you.

What happens once you leave the club?

Once you’ve left the club, just take the most direct route to your bedroom. There is no reason to stop at a restaurant or another bar, unless she refuses to leave the area with you. Most likely, if she’s left the club with you, then she’ll go home with you. However, if she doesn’t, then find a place outside where you can talk a bit and perhaps grab a drink, then try again later when she’s ready.

But always remember, always go for the biggest pull first. This means that once you’ve left the club, go to either the taxi, Uber, or your car and head straight home.

Although this is quite a bit of information and there are a lot of caveats within each step, if you just remember the simple 5 step structure, then you will consistently be able to pick up girls at a club.

Once I started implementing this method and teaching it to other guys, the results were astonishing. I went from a late-blooming virgin who was clueless when it came to girls to a club casanova who pulls multiple girls home per week.

Internalize each of these steps and soon you’ll be pulling from the club consistently.

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