Tim comes into the pickup artist world with optimism, hoping to eventually live a life where he’s just surrounded by hot girls everyday.
He wants to finally be the “cool guy” that he wasn’t in high school. The alpha dude who all the girls want and all the other guys are intimidated by.
Then Tim heads to his first meetup. He’s nervous and anxious. He questions whether meeting up with a bunch of guys from the Internet is a good idea after all, and he thinks about going back home.
Instead, Tim shows up. He spots a few interesting looking nerdy types in the corner talking amongst themselves. They don’t quite fit in, but they’re intriguing.
“Are you guys here for the meetup?”
Slowly, that anxiety turns into excitement. These guys are actually pretty friendly!
Then it’s time to start approaching. Anxiety hits again.
When do we start? How good are the other guys? I’m not even sure what’s going on…
Then one of the guys runs over to the first girl he sees without hesitation. She pauses for a second, laughs nervously, and struts away.
“Nice job!” The other guys encourage him on approaching.
And this is the first flaw with the pickup mentality: why is it such a big deal to talk to a girl?
By celebrating a trivial social interaction, we’re putting it on a pedestal. Is it really that big of a deal to talk to someone?
This is why guys never get over approach anxiety–because the approach is viewed as an event. To other people, talking to another person is just socializing. It’s not something to celebrate.
By making such a big deal out of a social interaction, you’re putting unnecessary pressure on the act of socializing. Consequently, when you don’t approach, you start to feel ashamed. You beat yourself up because you were supposed to approach. It now becomes an obligation to approach every hot girl that you see.
But then you’d say, “You’re just making excuses. If you never told yourself to consciously approach, then you’d never cross the boundary into unconscious competence.”
The solution to this issue is to find a group of people who are social but don’t make such a big deal out of approaching.
For example, when I was a nightclub promoter, we never made a big deal out of talking to girls; it was part of who we were.
The more time I spent around these guys, the more comfortable I felt approaching girls. In fact, I enjoyed it. Instead of approach anxiety, I had approach arousal.
Another thing that ends up happening when someone like Tim first enters the pickup world is that he starts to lose his identity. He loses a sense of his own values and preferences.
For example, maybe Tim likes nerdy shy girls. However, everyone in this new world tells him that he’s supposed to like hot busty blondes that look like pornstars. Moreover, his life goals should be to hook up with as many as possible, and he should construct his life so that he has a harem of hot girls in his life.
I believe that some guys genuinely want this, but a lot of guys don’t. They are shamed into thinking that they do. Somehow, if they aren’t constantly getting laid, they lose their masculinity.
Furthermore, they’re never honest with themselves, and they don’t have enough self-esteem to admit it.
What ends up happening is that they start to emulate the behaviors of the ideal “alpha male.” They all start dressing the same, moving the same, talking the same, reading the same books, drinking the same kombucha…
They lose a sense of what they want for themselves.
It gets to the point where they think that the only way they can be happy is when they have their harem and people think that they’re cool.
I went through this too. I thought that I wouldn’t be satisfied with my life until I had hooked up with a certain number of girls.
Then as I had met and exceeded that number, I still wasn’t OK with myself. I began to lose hope that I ever would be.
Then during my meditation retreat, I thought I was going to die.
At first, I panicked. There’s so much I have yet to do on my bucket list. I still wanted to make a million dollars, travel the world, get married, have a family…
But then I asked myself, “Am I OK with the life I’ve lived?”
At first, I wasn’t. I have too much to live for that I haven’t achieved yet.
But then I started to accept my fate. Even if I were to die, I’ve still had a rich life. I’ve had many friends and many experiences, and I’m grateful for the life I’ve lived.
In that acceptance, I felt peace.
This is what most guys are missing.
The foundation of self-acceptance and inner tranquility is requisite for self-esteem and confidence.
A woman can sense an insecure man from a mile away. It will eventually be exposed.
Most pickup artists are walking on eggshells. They’re always afraid of losing her, so they’ll compensate by being overly apologetic or overly aggressive to cover up their lack of inner peace.
Having hung out with a lot of pickup artists, I notice this immediately.
Guys are constantly trying to assert themselves over you to win over your validation. They subtly try to allude to how cool they are so that you accept them.
And that’s how they come across to girls. Girls immediately see this neediness, unless they are so rife with insecurities themselves that they completely overlook it, which actually happens quite often.
A lot of pickup artists treat talking to girls as a game to see who can make the other person feel more insecure. They’ll make passive aggressive remarks to make the girl self-conscious about her facial expressions to the point where she doesn’t notice his insatiable thirst for her validation.
So you might be asking, what’s the alternative?
Let me clarify–I’m not saying to never talk to girls. But if you want to talk to a girl, don’t make such a big deal out of it. Just go do it.
If you start to feel anxiety, that’s a manifestation of a lack of self-esteem. You’re viewing the event as something that you should do instead of something that you could do.
Do you see the difference? Obligation versus gratitude.
In one case, you feel like you’re supposed to talk to her. Who says so? No one cares.
But instead, think of it this way. We are literally free to talk to anyone we want to. What an amazing liberty!
To get to this point, be OK with yourself first. Spend some time in isolation and start thinking about what you actually value. Don’t make such a big deal out of things. If you get rejected, so what? If you hook up with a girl, who cares?
Just do things because you want to, not because you feel obligated to or because someone told you to. If someone wants to shame you for not following their values even when they don’t align with yours, tell them to fuck off.
Defend your castle. Protect your principles and values with confidence.
Be sure in your preferences. Or if you don’t know what your preferences are, be unashamed and confident in your agnosticism.
Don’t be afraid to state your opinions openly without hesitation or shame.
Go for what you want unapologetically. If you get turned down, try again or move on. Either way, it’s not a big deal.